I was 7 years old when my mother first hit me.  She slapped me across the face and threw me to the ground and started striking me because I wouldn't hug my brother after an argument I had with him.   It was the first of many times that instances like that would happen.   So many times, that I still wince when anyone raises their hand near me. I still shrink back when someone yells.   So many times that , I use to self-harm, to regulate my Internalization.  Or to just punish myself, for not being perfect, pure or even adequate.   I would do this by biting, scratching, pulling my hair, cutting my skin, not eating... Isolating...   I didn't know how to speak to people, mostly due to the fact I was so isolated.   But, so many thought it was just because I was shy.   *** My mother used to push me away if I tried to hug her, and then she use to frequently tell me she never wanted kids.   It was an accident...   I was an accident.  She made it very clear to me.  I was an accident.   *** She once told me she had post postpartum depression when I was born, and she use to want to put me in an oven...   It was no excuse for treating me the way she did years later though.   *** My mother use to pinched me until my skin would bleed during times of worship.  "Be still, be quiet, behave." She'd say, "stop shaking your leg." She'd say as she would pinch my knee.   *** My mother used to tell me I couldn't associate with this kid or that kid or most kids because they are a bad influence, but how can you say that about a kid...  A kid you don't even know?   Children shouldn't be judged as good and bad at such a young age like that, it can stay with a person until they are an adult.   Behavior is one thing but to deem a child as a bad influence?  Well I guess that can be debatable...   *** My mother... Loved babies and children, so much so that she used to work around them at social services.   I can laugh at the irony, now...   But... Because of that,   I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me, "maybe I am not loveable."   It became a belief impressed upon me, that I was not good enough.  Because, if your mother doesn't seem like she loves you, then who will?   I tried so hard to please her, appease her, do anything to get any kind of affection or attention that wasn't negative.   Nothing worked until I started starving myself and people were going to her out of concern... Even then she yelled at me until the situation spiraled... and  Then I was a burden.   But   I couldn't be upset about the way she raised me and my siblings because "your father and I did the best we could." Speech would come on.   I often wanted to say, "no, no you didn't do your best."  I still want to say that when that speech  comes.   My mother was not nurturing, or motherly, she would tell me to suck it up when I was sick and suck it in when my stomach would bloat even slightly.   *** My mother yelled at me more than would talk to me... And for a long time, I spent my years alone with her because I had no one else.   My father worked so much I rarely saw him.  And to this day he doesn't know my mom use to hit me.   I loved my father, even though he also would yell.   Yet, there were many times he would spend more time with other kids.   I would be jealous and start to hate those kids.  I couldn't help but feel like I wasn't good enough to gain is whole attention.   Why couldn't he have spent more time on me? Or even me and my siblings.   I just didn't understand.   *** I know to get over these memories that plague my conscience and the resentment, I need to forgive my parents at some point.   Sometimes I think I can forgive them...  But I don't forget, I can't forget.  Because I have to learn not to be like them. Ever.   *** I heard someone say the other day, "people can cause you a great deal of pain, yet still not be at fault."   Sometimes we are hurt by people without that person having ill intentions, or seeking to cause us pain or harm. It's not anyone's fault in some instances.   But oddly it always feels better to have someone or something to blame.   ***   Now that I am an adult I still deal with feelings of being unlovable, unworthy, and a fear of getting rejected or physically abused.  I still have nightmares about getting pinched or tied to a green chair.  Nightmares about being left alone or abandoned.  I still struggle with long-term relationships, because why would anyone love me? How could someone care about me unconditionally?   Sometimes it's easier just to be alone than to have to deal with the anxiety that comes with not feeling good enough for your partner or even a friend.   It's frightening how much easier it is to get involved with men who treat me like trash rather than a queen because I don't feel worthy of a crown, or even basic human decency...   *** Over the past few years however, I learned how to love from a dog.   I learned that I could be loved unconditionally by many dogs, and people.   I learned how to love without yielding. (It's still a work in progress)   Animals taught me that just because someone didn't know how to love me, that doesn't make me unlovable.   It's still difficult to believe that fully.     But on good days, I stand up for myself, and for others.  I am confident and self-assured.  On good days I don't hold back affection, or admiration...   Not every day is good but it's better than before.   [[[ I am simply sharing this to give insight to others who may have experienced similar circumstances, or know of someone who has.  *** Or even if you have been through similar and have successfully overcome the mental hurdles and now have healthy relationships, I'd love to pick your brain and get some advice.]]]   [[[Thank you for reading.   For anyone who has been reading the series, "Subliminal Coastline", I will try to have the final part posted by today or tomorrow.]]]
This free site is ad-supported. Learn more
​