Dear X,
Life has truly been like a game with levels of complexity. As you age, the problems get more complex, and unless you have been progressively improving in your ability to solve problems, there is no way you can cope with these challenges.
After you cross 40, life will be a story of losses. Loss of youth. Loss of energy. Loss of health. Loss of parents' health. Loss of social network. Loss of sleep. Not to mention giving up on many of your dreams and becoming more pragmatic. You will be ripped off everything that was on your side and silently assisting you until then. When people look at my face and say I have changed beyond recognition, I feel it is the least of my concerns. What makes this phase of life really complicated is that you will be dealing with all of this alone. There will be no sibling or friend or family who will come to your aid because they will all be caught up in their own web of life. Where your parents would once fret over your illness, you will now have to manage your own illness, your parents' illness, your livelihood, and all your personal responsibilities. There will be nobody to think of you, worry about you or care for you. You will realize that you only have yourself.
What makes this phase of life really complicated is that you will be dealing with all of this alone. There will be no sibling or friend or family who will come to your aid because they will all be caught up in their own web of life. Where your parents would once fret over your illness, you will now have to manage your own illness, your parents' illness, your livelihood, and all your personal responsibilities. There will be nobody to think of you, worry about you or care for you. You will realize that you only have yourself. Your parents will have daily issues because many of their senses decline. This will not only make them physically vulnerable, but also make them very reactive. They become like children you have to patiently handle. You have to stop expecting understanding from them, not because they don't care, but because their own emotional needs are high. You have to grow up enough to contain your own reactivity, and give them understanding.
Your parents will have daily issues because many of their senses decline. This will not only make them physically vulnerable, but also make them very reactive. They become like children you have to patiently handle. You have to stop expecting understanding from them, not because they don't care, but because their own emotional needs are high. You have to grow up enough to contain your own reactivity, and give them understanding.
I cannot tell you how much courage it takes to live through this. The earlier we can foresee this and prepare for it, the better off we will be. The best preparation you can do is to start relying on yourself and stand up on your own feet. To start shouldering all your responsibilities, almost as if there was nobody else to do that. To start managing your own conflicts, heartaches and illness. It is a lot easier to do this while we have people who care. It is really difficult to be able to do this when it actually happens.
In that respect, I am glad I have been at least prepared to some extent by all the unprecedented adversities that came my way very early in life. At 15, I had seen my father in the cardio ICU, not sure if he would live through his ailment. I remember how scared I was when the doctor was explaining his condition to my mother. But he lived. Shortly thereafter, he was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, but I did not know what it really meant until I witnessed all the decline and changes it brought about. I learnt to drive while I was still in college because my father couldn't drive anymore. I was on the forefront when we had to make arrangements for my brother's wedding. I remember how exhausted I was because I had taken my neighbours' help and run all the errands. I had been out with them every single day, planning, meeting people, finalizing deals, inviting, and taking people out for shopping. When I was leaving India for the first time, my parents were not around. I had seen them off at the airport as they traveled to my brother's place, and I stayed back all alone at home. On the day I left India, it was my best friend who saw me off at the airport.
However, these were not the real tests because I was never alone. I always had a kind neighbour or friend who helped. The real jolt came when we moved to Kerala. It was the first time I was fighting loneliness, chronic illness, alienation and the collective apathy of a society.
My mind had become placid. It was a peace that came out of giving up the resistance. I stopped holding on to what I believed I owned. In the numbness and emptiness of my mind where nothing could grow, a pretty flower grew. It was a miracle. That flower was an aspect of me I was unfamiliar with. That solitary flower kept me going- for years and years. Today, it is a garden. And that garden is my strength. If not, I may have given up. Not that it is easy, but I am able to at least keep moving forward. My greatest dream now is to find some time to rest. I feel too worn out and spent from years of what has been an intensely cognitive journey.
Amidst all this, what has shined through is the education that I received from the books I read, the movies I watched, and the mentors I adopted. Knowledge has been power. I could particularly appreciate the power of being a doctor. On many occasions, the knowledge of Medicine served me in ways beyond imagination. It saved me, healed me, inspired me, and touched me. The one companion I have been able to count on, is my education. So never stop educating yourself. Travel beyond the education that your degrees provide you. Seek the kind of education that serves you and others in life and enhances human experience. While people were falling in love with potential partners, I was falling in love with all those researchers who gave us the gift of Medicine. I was falling in love with all the authors and film makers who taught me to interpret human experience in meaningful and aesthetic ways. I was learning to accept life as my greatest teacher.
In a lifetime, there is so much that we witness and endure. And yet, one can never find the vocabulary to communicate this. So we stop short of telling people what our journey has been. I may never find the words to describe the intricacies of the journey I have taken and continue to take. The only thing I can do is interpret some of those experiences to leave behind some words of wisdom for the younger generation. And that is what I have attempted here. I hope these words will help you prepare better for a future that will demand much from you.
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