This weekend has been pretty chill. Currently I am sitting in a coffee shop/bakery called "Amelie" - this French chain bakery in the South that is cute enough to be a non-chain.

We've been to this bakery maybe three or four times now and love it. Decided to come to a coffee shop to hang out for a bit - draw and write. This is somewhat of a tradition of mine and Seth's. He likes coming to coffee shops or tea shops with me and sitting at a table for awhile just hanging out. We used to do it back in Portland too.

Yesterday was a really lovely day. Started out kind of slow and a bit rough as it keeps feeling like we have this huge problem to solve (where to live) when really I don't want to worry about it anymore. If I have learned ANYTHING from this whole experience (quitting a job I loved in order to move out of Utah because Seth kept saying how much he hated it - only to find out he's not happy here either) I have learned that I am not going to concern myself so much with how another person feels. He needs to make himself happy. I basically made myself unhappy, by quitting a job I probably shouldn't have...too soon...when I really wanted to stay with the Army Corps longer and I loved my job and office. Now we are here in Charlotte and it feels like the both of us are not happy with the house we chose to rent...we're not happy with the neighborhood or being so close to such a huge, busy city. It's just taught me that, I need to be more careful about jumping to take action - when really maybe the best action is inaction. I impulsively started applying to new jobs, just because I thought it would solve some big problem...and it kind of hasn't solved anything. So what does that teach me? I'm not making any more huge overhauls in my life. I'm just not. I feel like I regret it.

SO I basically decided that focusing on my life here and now is what I need to do, I'm not going to be busying myself with "solving" any problem - we don't have a problem. We just need to live life. I need to find things to do, and explore this new city and state. Watch Netflix. Read books. Find volunteer opportunities if that's what I want to do, or meetups, or take a college class.

I do feel like I miss being in college (which I know might sound crazy) and I almost want to just start getting my master's degree, one class at a time, almost just as something to fucking do with myself with my spare time. I have SO MUCH TIME on my hands right now. My job hardly ever has tasks for me to do - it mostly consists of meetings here and there. I could totally be going to college right now at the same time. I remember missing my free time so much when I was in college - I LONGED and wished for a weekend where I could just relax, watch TV, read for fun, do nothing. Now I have so much free time I feel miserable as fuck. I want to be working, busy with something. If I can't have work to keep me busy then I need school. I don't have family or friends - the social life that keeps most people happy.

Especially after watching "Queer Eye" with Seth lately...it has felt like, wow all these people on the show are sooooo busy helping other people, working so much, volunteering, etc. They are stressed because they are so busy but I'm like the opposite of that...twiddling my thumbs day after day. Feeling empty.

The depressing feelings come more from that than from where we are living I think. Seth is also unhappy with his job lately.

But yesterday was a great day anyway. Seth wanted to go out but we decided against driving out to Raleigh this weekend - maybe next weekend. Instead we made a plan to check out a new coffee shop, then go check out a new park, and then try out this fried chicken chain we have seen (Chix) to get a Nashville Hot Chicken.

I found the coffee shop at random on Google Maps and ended up talking to a very nice lady in line who had my favorite type of dog in her arms (a Cavalier Spaniel) - I got to pet the dog and ask about her and we had a nice conversation. The area was really interesting, possibly a camping spot with fancy log cabins. The coffee was amazing, and there was this really pretty trail outside surrounding a big duck pond. There were signs basically saying that the trail and pond were "private property" and "no trespassing" but I really didn't care...it looked like a neighborhood and some cabins...how the fuck would they enforce that or know who lives there and who doesn't? Seemed stupid to keep people from walking on the path anyway. Seth resisted at first, pointing to the signs, not wanting to get in trouble. I just kept walking, not going to let some stupid signs stop me from taking a beautiful nature walk. My logic was, I just paid for a coffee, how do they know I'm not staying in one of the cabins? It's not an enforceable rule. Coming from a regulatory job, I know all about laws and rules that are, in reality, not enforceable.

I'm glad I stood my ground and continued walking because nothing bad happened - we ended up having a really lovely nature walk, watching the cute ducks and geese, and there was even one swan that swam over to us, thinking we had food. It was really nice, and I wish we had gotten food for them. I remember back in NY going to a duck pond quite frequently and it was one of my favorite things to do that brought me joy - feeding the ducks dried corn and watching them swarm around, eating out of my hands. Seeing all the personalities of the birds.

I could have walked a lot longer, but Seth wanted to turn around and go back eventually. When I find a nice nature path, I could just walk and walk and walk forever it feels like. Or ride my bike forever. It's my preferred exercise besides swimming.

It would have been getting dark soon anyway I suppose, dang winter. Then we went to get the chicken sandwiches. They were pretty good but definitely not a Nashville Hot. Still a nice experience though, exploring.

Really I know I need to be thankful for a lot of things. Maybe I feel like switching jobs was a mistake - but it has allowed us to do a whole lot of travelling and seeing different areas of the country, which has been amazing. We got to see Asheville and Myrtle Beach. Exploring Charlotte more.

In a few weeks we will be travelling to Upstate NY and staying with my dad for a week. Seth keeps talking like he wants to move to NY and he feels like the special feeling he got last summer when we visited, he hasn't felt here so far. I keep trying to tell him that it's likely because he saw upstate NY in the Summer...the most beautiful time of year...and here we are seeing North Carolina for the very first time in the winter - the UGLIEST time of year on the East coast.