More and more I feel like wall paper.

I'm here for decorations in people lives until they want a different design or have no more use for me. If I didn't reach out to others would they even notice or reach out to me. Would my absence go completely unnoticed.

People ask if Im ok and I say yes! But the truth is I'm not! But if I say I'm not ok it just makes others feel awkward and they don't know how to respond to me. Which then just makes things worse!

I know it's the depression and exhaustion talking but it's how I feel most days. I'm tired of asking people to spend time with me. If I'm important to people they will make and effort. And If they don't then that's my answers. I ask people to do things and they say sure. And when I talk about plans - it's usually I'm busy, or I don't know, or something. I know sometimes they are often valid reasons. But at the end of the day you make time for people that you want to make time for. Then there the few that talk a big talk but in reality they just want sex! Well I want more than that. I'm tired of allowing people to make me feel like the only value I posses to them is sexual, financial or what I can do for them. I don't need much just an occasional hey want have dinner or hangout at the house and visit. Hell I don't even need to see them frequently just a conversations talking about our days and what going on etc. I'm starving for an emotional connection so bad that I would do things that make feel bad or ashamed later just to feel wanted or like I matter even for only a moment. Why is it so easy to toss me to the side like I'm invisible? I'm tired of feeling disposable or optional! What is wrong with me?

People say I work a lot and I do. Most days it's because I need to but other times I do it because it makes me feel good! Working makes me feel wanted. I feel appreciated when I accomplish something they need. Work is the one place I don't feel invisible. I feel like I add value, I matter, I make a difference.

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