I had a friend in college, she was about 10-15 years my senior, in a different stage of life, getting divorced, two grown children in college; we got along because we had a similar work ethic in our program. This friendship was not easy though. My friend was easily offended and complained a lot, after years of doing my own healing I understood my friend was trapped in her own relationship with victim mentality. As I started healing my relationship with victim mentality it became more and more difficult for me to hold space for this friend and her patterns and behaviors. This happens in relationships, we grow at different paces and sometimes we grow apart. That is what I would say happened here. We grew apart, both emotionally and physically actually because after graduation my friend moved to California to attend Grad school and work in our field. I had finished my Master's degree, was working in the field, and newly pregnant when she moved.

Fast-forward to years later, during the pandemic my friend reached out. It had been years but she asked for a phone call and I scheduled it. What I thought would be a check-in and catch up kind of call, was not. Not at all. It was a complete emotional dumping.

My friend was not doing well in California. She moved across the country to start her life over post-divorce and then the pandemic hit and she was alone. Then a medical crisis hit and she was alone. And then an even bigger medical crisis hit, this one very deadly, and she was alone. Then she was faced with years of rehabilitation following surgeries and medical interventions to save her life, and she was alone. Then her body changed and her mind changed due to the narcotics she was given to keep the pain at bay, and she was alone. She lost her job and her health insurance, and she was alone.

She carefully and intentionally created this aloneness she is now experiencing. She would admit with pride how quickly she would cut someone out of her life, it did not take much. My impression is that she was scared of being abandoned because as a child she was. She was playing out her pain over and over in her adult life, beating others to the punch as often as possible when it came to leaving, and as a result she created the exact outcome she was so terrified of; being scared, in pain, and alone.

A few weeks ago I received the upsetting news that a friend, whom I have done sacred healing work with, was diagnosed with cancer. In truth I have not spent a considerable amount of time with this friend, a few hours of the course of the last few years, and almost always in a healing setting. This friend is also divorced, living alone. Her situation I believe is different though, I do not perceive her as alone in this crisis. She feels supported to me, by friends, family, her employer, our therapist. This friend of mine clearly has she carries too and I am under the impression she plays it out sometimes too. She is open though, and allows herself to love and receive love. She reaches out and stays connected and lets people in. She is not easily offended, the word that has always come to mind when I think of her is Etheral.

When I think of my other friend the first words I think of are Cantankerous, Rigid, Afraid.

When my college friend reached out and dumped on me about the woes of her life after not speaking to me for years, I felt depleted after. I felt pity for her situation but wanted no part of it. My instinct was not to ask, How can I help?, it was to ask What do you want from me? and flee.

When my soul friend shared about her diagnosis I was devastated. I had to really sit with my own pain about the news and my fear of what it could mean. Then I went into action, I created a care box with a hand crocheted scarf I made her and other self-care items I hoped would bring comfort and joy. I reached out and made sure she knew I wanted in on supporting her in whatever way she needed it. I think about her multiple times a week and hope that she will heal fully.

I have known these women for the same amount of time, I have spent far more time with my college friend than my soul friend in that time, yet here we are.

It has all been a sort of lesson for me. Lots of lessons really. Lessons about the importance of investing in relationships. You don't have to have a huge circle but you have to invest in the ones you choose to be close with. Lessons about self-sabotage and self-fulfilling prophecies. Lessons about choosing Love and giving yourself permission to be True and vulnerable. Lessons about over indulging in pain, using our trauma stories as a crutch. Lessons about connection and giving ourselves permission to be cared for. Lessons about showing up for people and allowing others to show for us.

Being truly in a relationships with another human is such a vulnerable act. I am grateful for the few whom I have chosen and who have also chosen me to practice this with, really being in relationship together.

 This free site is ad-supported. Learn more
​