Belated Merry Christmas and advance Happy New Year, everyone! We're here again. Isa sa mga palagi kong inaabangan gawin taon-taon. 'Yung mag reflect sa nangyari sa'kin sa buong taon. This is my fourth year doing this and I'm happy to think that I've been consistent doing these. If you want to read my past reflections, feel free to browse my website. Sobrang dami ko ng entry sa blog ko but you'll be able to see it under Life Update category.
As usual, the way I write my reflections, I always read my old entries muna. Nagbabasa ako ng journal entries ko just to reminisce the memories that happened to me this year. Nabanggit ko last time, sabi ko dapat this year, makapag regalo ako sa lahat. Even sa family members ko. Natuwa ako kasi nagawa ko siya this year. I'm happy kasi I was able to give gifts to everyone.
To be honest with you, hindi ko alam paano ko sisimulan 'yung reflection ko for this year. Para kasing itong taon na 'to 'yung taon na I failed everyone around me, most especially myself. Sinusubukan kong balikan lahat ng pwede kong balikan this year but most of it are just me giving up about certain things. Things that I love to do or things that I hope I did. I don't know. I'm too disappointed about myself. Parang ang nangyari kasi, I was trying too hard to be okay. Let's just say that this whole year, I was just pretending. This was the year where I literally lost motivation in everything. I may look like I'm always busy but I somehow realized that the reason why I always write things to do on my planner is because it gives me a sense of satisfaction kapag nakikita kong productive ako kahit na hindi talaga. I hope that made sense. Para bang niloloko 'yung sarili ko para ma feel kong okay ako. Just to make simple.
I lost track of everything this year. I lost myself this year. I don't even know if I'm ready for next year. When I was with my friends last time, sinasabi ko I'm so excited for 2022 kasi it's giving me hope to start all over again. I even wrote it on my journal but as I am writing this reflection, I started questioning myself if ready na ba talaga ako magsimula ulit.
New year is one of my favorite holidays kasi tulad ng sabi ko, it gives me hope. But right now, hindi ko talaga maramdaman 'yung hope. Is this what adulting is? Hahaha.
It's just so hypocrite sa side ko kasi habang binabasa ko 'yung mga old reflections ko, nakikita ko kung gaano ako ka hopeful sa mga nilalagay ko. Sobrang hopeful ako sa mga darating na taon. I don't even know if I want to continue writing kasi baka I was just feeling blue as of the moment but malapit na mag New Year and I want to share my thoughts for this year before ako mawalan pa ulit ng gana magsulat.
Actually, I am so grateful that I was able to work this year. Nagkaroon ako ng savings. Mas natuto ako humawak ng pera. Natulungan ko kahit papaano si mama and nakabayad ako ng tuition fee ko kahit papaano. I am also grateful for my friends na despite everything, nandiyan sila for me. Natulungan nila ako mentally and emotionally kahit papaano. I'm also thankful sa family ko kasi they gave me home, and safety. Also, I'm thankful to my boyfriend for giving me the assurance all the time that I'm worth it. Last but not the least, I am most grateful to God for giving me enough strength to go on and for giving me these people so I can somehow feel that my year was worth celebrating.
Masyado akong magiging selfish kung sasabihin kong hindi ako naging masaya sa taon na 'to. Malaki 'yung naitulong ng mga tao sa paligid ko para somehow, ma feel ko na this year is a great one but I really want to put this year as one of the most challenging years of my life. I really don't understand if this is just phase of transitioning into adulting or maybe because I'm just simply hopeless hahaha.
This reflection is too negative but I really want to be as honest as possible kasi this blog is just an archive of my thoughts and malaking tulong sa'kin 'to whenever I want to reflect on my life. I want to see my progress kasi I want to be proud of myself and this year, at least bago matapos 'tong taon na 'to, I would like to tell how proud I am for myself. Ang dami kong inner struggles na walang nakakaalam na mostly sa journal ko lang talaga nakasulat and for that, sobrang proud ako sa sarili ko for making it this far. I know to myself na talagang hindi naging madali 'tong taon na 'to sa'kin. My mental health is declining that it affects me physically na pero somehow, ayaw kong matapos 'tong taon na 'to na hopeless pa rin ako.
I want to start my 2022 na hindi man sobrang okay at perfect, at least better than what and who I am nitong buong 2021.
I hope you do too.
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