Don't Lose Hope posted: " Hazan & Shaver[1] have identified four intimate adult attachment styles. It can be helpful to relate this to ourselves and our partner when there's been betrayal or a breach of trust. The four attachment styles are: secure, anxious-preoccupied"
Hazan & Shaver[1] have identified four intimate adult attachment styles. It can be helpful to relate this to ourselves and our partner when there's been betrayal or a breach of trust.
The four attachment styles are: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant.
They can be described as follows:
1. Securely attached: These adult partners will generally be trusting, trustworthy, available to their partner, and have a balanced healthy self-esteem. Generally, they do not fear abandonment, don't expect to be rejected, or fear they might lose love. Thus, they accept, and are comfortable with, themselves, and they let their partner be themselves as well. They view themselves and their partner in a realistic way, and are optimistic about the life they share. Finally, they are able to balance their need for independence with a healthy need for intimacy.
2. Anxious-preoccupied: These partners worry that their partners will abandon or reject them, or won't love them with the same kind of intensity, as they themselves love. They expect their partners to be highly responsive; they continually push for intimacy; and they need constant approval and acceptance from their partners. As a rule, these individuals tend to be more fearful that things will fall apart; are overly clinging and dependent on their partners; are more anxious and less trusting; and have less positive views of themselves, their partner, and the relationship.
3. Dismissive-avoidant: These adult partners will tend to pull back from being close and vulnerable in relationships. They desire independence and thus may avoid attachment (as they view themselves as being self-sufficient, and not needing close relationships.) As a rule, these individuals are likely to suppress their feelings, and to deal with discord and demands through distancing.
4. Fearful-avoidant: These adult partners have mixed feelings about emotional closeness in relationships. They tend to mistrust and pull back from their partners as they feel inferior and expect to be rejected. Thus, they suppress their feelings and avoid getting close – even though, on some level, this is something they desire.
Although it is believed that these have their roots in our relationships with parents, or our early caregivers, I think experiences can also change how we attach in intimate relationships.
For example, someone who would naturally form a secure attachment with their partner may become anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant after experiencing betrayal.
Similarly, someone who was dismissive-avoidant at first (something which may have made them more vulnerable to developing a sexual addiction over time) can learn to take their defenses down, be open, honest and vulnerable, and can learn to offer a secure relationship to their partner.
Certainly, we're all shaped and influenced by our past; but we also can change if we get appropriate help. So, history needn't be our destiny.
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