I'm... terrified. About Christmas being around the corner.
New Year's...

Already horrible (wonderful) memories have been assailing me. Of when we went out to the Christmas markets and had nice times together. Of when we'd go out driving to look at Christmas lights. Of how we'd put on Christmas music and put up our tree every year, and then take joy in watching the cats sit underneath it.

Memories of Christmas get togethers at my parents' place - or once upon a time, his parents' place (before they all turned on me).

I keep stressing myself out, wondering if he's thinking any of these things at all... if he remembers. I still keep holding out hope that maybe it'll be such an emotional upheaval around the holidays that he'll finally reach out to me?

Well... then again, it's not really about him just reaching out.
It has to be that he reaches out wanting to be back together.
What would be the point of him reaching out to talk? Just to say Hey, I hope you're not dead??
Actually, I think that would in fact kill me to be honest if he did that.
Better to carry on this tortuous NC (no contact), even though it's going on 5 months.

All the psychotherapy videos I watch about NC just...well, at the same time that they can give hope that an ex can still come back eventually, for me my hopes feel dashed. Most of them state that if someone's going to come back, it'll be in 45 days - or maybe 3 months max. Sure, there are some rare few comments who say that their ex came back after MUCH longer, sometimes 8 months to a year. But I figure that's just... super unlikely.

Then too, there are the more unique factors about my particular break-up, like how messed up he was, that he actually went to all the effort to take everything and move out physically. That he could so coldly walk out on me and the cats who he claimed to love so obsessively.

A friend was telling me yesterday how my grief scared her... the intensity of it. That she knew people who'd gotten divorced and not grieved as badly or as long as me. Well, all I can say is that everyone is different and... I honestly would challenge anyone to point me to another person who went SEVEN YEARS with someone they thought they would be with for the rest of their life... to suddenly being absolutely dead to one another for 5 months straight.

It's just... not natural.
It's not right.
I'm not saying I regret the NC but... maybe kind of?
Agh I just don't know. It was tearing us both apart back when we were still in touch. I know what would have happened if I'd kept messaging him. He would have kept on telling me "ENOUGH! STOP! I CAN'T HANDLE THIS" etc etc.
That was eventually why I did stop and we went NC.
I basically let him leave. I let him move out. I let him stop all communication between us.
I gave him everything he wanted... or needed.
I guess I did so, praying it was the right thing - or that he would eventually find a state of peace or calm and... come back?

Now it seems like he just dumped me and the cats over his shoulder and never looked back. Maybe he is afraid to, because he's afraid of feeling that stress again?
Maybe he's just found something or someone else that makes him feel better than he ever felt when he was here?

I just can't know. But I'm still grieving really heavily for him. I still pray for God to transform him and change his heart and bring him back.

Or I pray for God to get me past this and to let him go completely, if we're not meant to get back together.

I'm just so scared that the holidays are going to knock me flat, like back to when the break-up was still fresh. It doesn't seem humanly POSSIBLE that he won't be thinking of me and all the memories. The fun, loving times we shared at Christmas. He was the only man I'd ever been with where Christmas was a positive thing, a loving romantic time.
It kills me to think that he could just be spending it with someone else... or that the loving times won't even faze him even in memory.

What am I going to do if I just can't find something else to focus on and get me through the agony?

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