Recently, my partner and I were having a very light-hearted morning conversation as we were waking up together. We enjoyed a really nice evening together with the kids and we were having a lazy sleep in on a Sunday morning. Being next to her always feels like everything is right in the world. The conversation started circling towards my past relationship history. My partner is occasionally very curious and likes to ask me questions about my past relationships, experiences etc. She seems to enjoy those historical details for some reason. I am the total opposite and tend to try and stay away from any information about her past relationships. Speaking about these things is very hard for me. This is in no way because of her. She had a smile on her face and was asking out of playful curiosity. However, as the pit in my stomach hardened with each question, I had an incredible realization about what was going on for me in that moment.

I am not my past. I am not my mistakes. I am not my shame. No one can make me feel like that anymore.

This doesn't seem like rocket science to most, but for me, there has been a longstanding pattern of being rejected because of my past. In particular, regarding my sexual past. I have been rejected several times in relationships when asked about my past and what could be perceived as the mistakes I made. I was rejected because I was no longer good enough in their eyes. There has been more than one occasion where I was walked out on and abandoned because when asked about my past I answered honestly. Each time I did not see it coming. Each time it felt devastating and unfair. How could I be asked to pay this price for something I did many years ago? You might wonder what I could have possibly done to cause such a blowback in several long term relationships? Sorry to disappoint you, but to be honest, nothing out of the ordinary. I was a young kid with a low self esteem and wanted to be liked. I thought having a sexual experience at a young age would help. I thought it would make me popular as I would now be ahead of the curve. I was painfully mistaken. As previously mentioned in several posts, having gone to a very conservative Catholic University, and dating very conservative Catholic girls, I was seen as tainted, stained, and not worthy of their love and affection because I chose not to wait. So for a very long time I told myself, I am not worthy of love. I have always carried this with me. Feeling not good enough has been a story I have been telling myself for the majority of my adult life.

That morning, in bed with my partner, I could feel the tension restrict my throat and tighten my stomach and I could sense my pulse rising with each question she asked. I could feel a numb, cold tingling on my toes and beads of sweat starting to form as the fear of further abandonment put my body into full fight or flight mode. My partner was very patient with me as I danced around the topics with a coded vagueness that not even Robert Langdon could decipher… At that moment I realized that I needed to stop being vague and just be honest and open to her questions even though everything in my body was telling me to run because the pain of abandonment was on the way... Again. I finally answer honestly and I squeezed my eyes shut unsure whether she would still be there when I open them. I feel her arms tighten around me, I peak out of one eye, I want to say "what are you still doing here?" but I don't. "I love you and I am not going anywhere" she tells me in a calming safe voice. I breathe deeply, squeeze her tightly and allow my body the time it needs to calm. It was in that moment I realized why I had so much fear in telling her and it was in that moment I felt the need to reaffirm to myself and the world that I am not my past. I am not my shame. That I am indeed worthy of love.

I am not claiming victim status here. I chose to date who I dated. I knew those choices came with a certain unspoken standard. I chose to be curious at a young age. No one forced me to do either. And in many ways I have allowed myself to feel not worthy for all this time. Yes, getting dumped several times certainly informed my subconscious and my conscious that I was not worthy of love, but I chose to keep that thought and in many ways live it out or even sometimes use it as an excuse to make poor decisions because I am already not worthy now, so why bother caring to protect that which was lost?

Understanding this about myself in the context of the safety I feel in my current relationship has been a game-changer for me. THAT IS WHY I FELT SO UNWORTHY OF LOVE! (Wel,l one of the reasons anyway). Now, I have no reason to feel afraid. My partner loves and accepts me as I am. I am worthy of her love. Finally, I can let go of this story I have been carrying for all these years.

I am not my past. I am not my shame. I am enough and I am worthy of love.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you are inspired by my story and would like to support my purpose to share it with the world, please consider stopping my Patreon page to help me provide and inspire hope in the world. - S