No one is on the playground today and that meant we didn't have to wait our turn to get on the swing or the merry-go-round. I loved to swing. I'd hold on tight while my brother pushed me and I'd giggle and laugh until he started to push too high. Every time he offered to push, I'd say "No" because all I could think about was the last time and how scared I was. He'd promise and when I'd relax thinking he would keep his promise, I'd be scared again. I could never enjoy the wind in my face or the free feeling of flying. I loved the swings but not with him.
At recess during school this older girl would let me sit on her lap facing her and she would go high but I wasn't scared with her. I'd close my eyes tight and she would talk to me, tell me I was safe and she wouldn't let anything happen to me. She was there to keep me safe and she kept her word.
My brother didn't make me feel safe. He'd push me higher when I would scream to stop and I was terrified, holding on because falling was not an option. If I broke something jumping out of the swing, Mama would be mad.
Today I bypassed the swings and went to the merry-go-round. My brother would be busy for a while pushing little brother. Little brother loved to swing. He could go high and when he was so high, it looked like the swing would wrap him around the bar over head, he would jump out and laugh. The swings were only fun at recess when the big girl would help me or when I was alone. The problem, I was never alone and sometimes the big girl wasn't there so I would stand off to the side refusing to trust anyone but the big girl. she didn't lie or laugh at my fear of flying.
Today, I was able to ride the merry-go-round alone. I loved to lay down and look up at the sky while it went around slowly. I'd watch the clouds go by and daydream. I'd make up stories in my head about far away places where I didn't have to worry about being scared all the time. My little brother hopped on the merry-go-round, interrupted my daydreaming and it started to move fast. Quiet moments alone were rare and I needed that time I didn't have time to right myself and hold on before it was turning around and around. I was able to grab the bar before I slid off into the gravel as my older brother laughed. Ruynning around and around and the merry-go-round going faster and faster. Little brother was squeeling with joy and I was screaming to let me off.
He laughed and told me to get off if I wasn't having fun but he wasn't going to stop it to let me off. The only options were pain and fear. I caught a look into my brothers eyes as he turned it faster and faster. He was laughing and his eyes were dark and cloudy. I knew that look. It happened every time he hurt me. He hated me and I had to pretend I didn't see it.
I was taught family was everything. I believed it, counted on it even in the face of the truth. Family is sometimes strangers living in the same house pretending.
I held on, closed my eyes tight as my stomach began to turn. it was too fast and I was getting dizzy. I opened my eyes to steady myself and I felt the hot bile rise up in my throat.
No one else came to the playground that day. No one was there to stop the merry-go-round. No one else came. He didn't stop until he got tired. I held on pretending.
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