I wanted to write about stuff the other day but was just too exhausted. I ended up actually going to sleep at like 5 PM or something and only waking up at 7:30 to eat dinner and then go back to bed.

Stress makes me feel tired. It saps my energy like nothing else. Just when I need my energy the most: usually before having to pack for a trip or pack for moving - my energy is just GONE like I can hardly will myself to stand up let alone pack things.

I've also been having a ton of physical anxiety - right now for instance, my chest feels so tight, it hurts to breathe, and even walking up a flight of steps causes my heart to start POUNDING. Just sitting still and my heart starts beating fast. I feel extremely dizzy and weak (probably because of my heart working in overdrive.) just writing about it is making it worse like I'm going to have a panic attack. I took .25 of xanax just now and going to take another one if it doesn't kick in within an hour. Feeling SO dizzy and like my heart is just erratic for no reason. Chest hurts. Hard to breathe. Ugh. Anxiety fucking sucks y'all. PTSD SUCKS. Panic disorder SUCKS. Childhood trauma SUCKS. Grief sucks. Having it all congeal in a toxic gloopy acidic mess inside you sucks. Having to deal with it mentally and physically sucks.

There is so much good going on in my life right now, that's what seems so mind blowing. I vacillate between feeling so fucking lucky, so happy, so overjoyed, so at peace because:

  • I am FREE of my toxic family and never have to see or speak to any of them again if I don't want to
  • I earned my college degree
  • I have an amazing job that pays really great money
  • I have formed and cultivated a HEALTHY relationship with a man who I am going to marry and spend my life with
  • I found a remote job which is exactly what we wanted so we could have the freedom to live anywhere
  • We found a home to rent in North Carolina which has everything we wanted out of a home (a garage, a covered private porch, a fenced private yard with a fire pit, a bike path going to a nature preserve, a river to kayak in, his childhood friend nearby, in a quiet cul-de-sac, etc.)

But then I also feel a huge amount of anxiety/sadness/grief because:

  • My brother is still dead and will always be dead and his death day is coming up in a few weeks
  • My sister is a fucking flying monkey cunt who defends/makes excuses for my abuser and has pretty much destroyed our relationship by just being a shitty human and shitty sister and becoming so similar to our mom (screaming at her kids, trying to control everything and every one, manipulative, guilt tripping, shaming)
  • I got into a triggering argument with Christy the other day because she made very triggering comments
  • My dad has been really withdrawn and not talking to me much (probably because my brother's death day coming up)
  • Just feels like...I have no real family or friends at times even though I know that is not true - it just feels lonely, especially with the pandemic I really have not been able to cultivate much of a community for myself, and since I don't have a close family, I need to find a way to compensate by making new friends or joining some type of group, it's just felt difficult to do in Utah (where everyone is mormon or religious or kind of weird like in the atheist group) and also my social anxiety makes it REALLY difficult to push myself to meet people even though I WANT TO. It sucks like I want to build more friendships and community, but then...when a chance comes to socialize I get anxiety and decide I don't really want to. It's like I just want a couple really close relationships but in order to get those...you have to go through the uncomfortable act of meeting new people and having awkward encounters until you meet people you click with
  • I have all these physical symptoms of my grief/anxiety that I don't really talk to anyone about besides Seth and this blog. I suffer from all body chronic pain, pelvic pain at times, muscle aches, feeling weak/dizzy/ out of body. Chest pains. Shortness of breath, heart POUNDING.
  • I'm dealing with trauma and was seeing a therapist until it felt like that wasn't really helping anymore or she wasn't giving me enough tips or tools to help, it was just me talking which...doesn't help much and didn't seem worth the money at all
  • Getting therapy made me realize just how fucked up my parents were/are and how much being raised by literal children fucked my life up, fucked me up, fucked up my health, my body, my relationships, my ability to protect myself, etc. The pain of knowing that and feeling so angry about it but not knowing where to go from here in order to HEAL and stop being so affected by it
  • I already had anxiety and depression, pretty badly, and then my FUCKING BROTHER DIED of a brain tumor -
  • The one and only member of my family who I felt like had my back always and understood the toxic family we have - the only one I could be real with and talk to about it. My sister now has flat out said to me that our family isn't toxic - denying my own reality and one that I know my brother saw too
  • Her and my dad are more concerned about OUR ABUSER'S feelings (about me setting boundaries and not wanting a relationship) than my feelings - the feelings of their loved one who has done nothing to hurt them - it's baffling and it's incredibly painful and sad - it's something I know I need to accept, but it is REALLY hard and I am having such a tough time figuring out how to navigate my family at this point - how to keep a relationship with my dad when he is pretty much the only family member that I want to have a relationship with

In terms of what triggered me: Christy is pissed off with me now. You could look at the conflict from many different perspective and in many different ways.

On the one hand, you could look at it like, I have BPD, I have childhood trauma, I have PTSD...and I got triggered by some comments she made. My being triggered caused me to REACT instead of RESPONDING - or not responding even which might have been better for me.

I feel like so often I just react. It's definitely something I know I need to work on. People are always going to say things that are triggering, there's no avoiding it really. It's just a fact of life, and I know I have to accept that. I can't just avoid all people and isolate myself in order to never be triggered - although the thought of living a peaceful life in a cottage in the woods, away from all people, surrounded by only animals and plants is extremely tempting. But it's not realistic. I do enjoy socializing - albeit only with certain kinds of people discussing interesting topics. I am going to get triggered. That's a fact. I cannot avoid all human beings or cut off ties with every single one and I realize this.

SO the solution is to stop myself from reacting because that obviously pushes people away or makes me cut people off - either way, my circle becomes smaller and smaller - which is what happens in my life and is happening now.

What actually happened:

I texted Christy telling her the exact date we are moving to North Carolina now that we have found a place and we actually have a set date. I am excited and wanted to share the happy news with her. I wanted her to be excited and happy for me. To be supportive. I guess maybe my first mistake was texting instead of calling? Because her tone of voice can get confused with text - but then again...I can also imagine her making some comments verbally that would have been triggering or offensive to me. I don't fucking know.

Her response was positive, but then she asked, "Are you going to find a rental that allows the smoker??"

Uh..........I guess right there I should have STOPPED and either asked her if that was a real question or a rhetorical question, or just not responded at all. Since...that question itself doesn't make any sense. She knows that Seth has decided to build a smoker. She knows that I am annoyed by that but that I have to live with that - so therefore uh YEAH we're gonna be bringing the smoker and finding a place to rent where we can have it?? That's pretty fucking obvious, is it not? Anyone with a brain could put 2 and 2 together to determine that yeah Seth built a smoker, we are bringing it, so we're going to have to find a place - WITH A YARD - to put it. Right? Like we're obviously not going to be getting an apartment when we have a smoker to bring with us?

I guess I could just chock it up to her being straight up dumb - or from California (which is sometimes the same thing to be honest). I imagine in California it's fairly difficult to find rentals with actual YARDS big enough, and also there's fucking burn bans every year in the West - which is why people out here buy Traegers or other smokers that don't actually burn wood...it's just not really a thing. Lack of housing, lack of space/land, and dry dusty climate isn't very conducive to an offset smoker. As someone from a rural area on the East Coast...you see a ton of people with real offset smokers in their yards...it's pretty fucking common.

Right there I should have just said to myself, "She's being dumb and asking an obvious question which she knows the answer to, don't even respond."

But I took the bait.

I reacted and said, "Yeah"

She then responded with, "Good luck :)"

Now this is where I start to get fucked up - triggered to the max

Because...again...why would you say "good luck" after asking me if I'm going to try and find a place that allows the smoker? It's not just me being crazy, that was a passive aggressive comment. Maybe to some less emotional people (like Seth) that wouldn't even register.

They would read it robotically just as it is, okay she said good luck, that's nice.

But it bothered me...because it kind of felt like she tee-ed that up specifically to be able to say a sarcastic "good luck" like doubting me or assuming we will probably have a hard time finding that.

Being doubted - being judged - having someone assume that I will have a difficult time doing something, is extremely triggering to me. My mom did NOTHING but judge me, put me down, rain on my parade, degrade me, and make me afraid by pointing out all the ways something could go wrong. To me, a "good luck" is not that. A good luck comment is read in my brain in a sarcastic tone.

Again, maybe if we had been on the phone this whole convo would have gone differently. Maybe her tone wasn't sarcastic. Maybe she - again - was just being ignorant, and genuinely wanted to say good luck because she believed I would probably have a hard time finding a place that would allow the smoker. After my brother died she has been living in big cities (San Francisco and now Washington D.C.) and living in apartments...and before that she owned a house...so again maybe she's just fucking ignorant and/or dumb and doesn't realize that rental HOUSES exist? With yards?

That kind of blows my mind but...at the same time it doesn't and it's really the only explanation. I have always thought that Christy is smart, but not smart in a real world, with the times, street smart kind of way like me and my brother are. She doesn't keep up with current events at all, she doesn't seem to understand many things that seem pretty obvious, she is not intuitive whatsoever, doesn't know why things are the way they are (has no knowledge of history) and just...seems genuinely ignorant about a lot of things. Basically, the way that me and my brother and dad are able to essentially read minds and figure things out without them being said - to know the why and what's behind something - that power was given to us by trauma and abuse - and it's a power Christy doesn't have.

That being said, I would never wish for someone to go through trauma. She had a great childhood and a happy, normal home life in a relatively wealthy family. It shows. Her tendency to get overly angry when someone has broken social protocol (something I know fuck all about since my family didn't teach me how to socialize) but yet her inability to understand basic things...

Anyway...the last thing that triggered me...

After she said "Good Luck" I AGAIN reacted - at that point I was really pissed off and triggered. Again I should have ignored it. Coped with my feelings of anger and outrage.

I reacted and said, "We already did haha" as a way of saying like...don't need luck bitch, we already found a place so fuck off with your good luck doubting me shit.

She THEN responded with:

"Wow sight unseen? You're braver than me."

So first she's casting doubt on my ability to find a place that will allow the smoker...then when I jump that hurdle she hits me with a back-handed judgy comment about us taking the place "sight unseen" and making it clear that SHE would never do such a thing.

Like fuck off.

I really don't need your comments or opinions on how what I am doing is different than how YOU would do it. Why is that necessary to say? I don't get it. Why? Other than to make your stance clear that you disagree with my decisions. That's also triggering to me...being told how what I am doing is not what the other person would have done. It strikes me as judgemental, it just does.

I just don't appreciate opinions being given on my decisions when I didn't ask for them - I was sharing my exciting news. All I wanted was support and for her to be happy for me. That's it. If I wanted your opinion I would have asked. I honestly ask for her opinion a lot - I specifically ask for it - this is an instance where I didn't need it and I didn't ask for it, so why was it given??

At the same time...as my therapist has told me...when someone tries to hand you something and you don't want it (guilt tripping, a negative comment, an unwanted opinion, etc.) you can choose to not take it. That doesn't mean getting mad and reacting, it just means, you don't accept it mentally. Someone is trying to make you feel guilty? No thanks, I am not going to feel guilty or accept the guilt you're trying to hand me. Someone giving you opinions you didn't ask for? No thanks. I don't agree with your opinions and I don't want them so I am letting them fall off my back like water.

It all comes down to, what can I control? I can't control her thoughts or opinions or beliefs, and I really can't control what another person says to me. But I CAN control how I respond or choose to not respond.

I chose to react at that point. I asked her why she said good luck and when she didn't answer that, I proceeded to tell her that what she said came across as mean spirited and I wasn't sure if I was taking it the wrong way or not.

I still maintain that telling her how I felt and saying that her comments felt mean spirited to me was not an outlandish, terrible thing to say. Please readers comment and let me know if you think I am out of line or crazy or whatever. I didn't like lash out at her or anything, all I said was, I feel like what you said was kind of mean, but let me know if I am taking it wrong. THAT'S LITERALLY ALL I SAID. She then got really mad and said "whatever" said she was "floored" by my comment, said I pissed her off and I must not like her very much and I must not think much of her at all. Now she hasn't spoken to me since Friday. I tried apologizing (even though to be honest I don't really think what I said warrants her being this mad..) I tried explaining that what she said was triggering to me and tried explaining why.

At this point I don't really care. It makes me terribly sad because it feels like I just keep losing people in my life - but at the same time, we have had issues with communication our entire relationship (I have known her since I was 11 years old and she started dating my brother). She has gotten angry with me MANY times throughout our relationship, for various silly reasons. I can't even name them all. She has never understood my mental/physical issues (having severe anxiety, not being able to walk as fast as other people, not being as physically able, etc.) and she has gotten angry with me for those things!! For walking too slow, for hiding away from people because my anxiety is bad and she assumes I'm just being rude rather than me having an actual mental DISORDER due to abuse. She can be downright hurtful. She asked Seth last year when she visited Utah, "Why is she so afraid of everything?" talking about me. I know she thinks I am just being lazy and I'm fat because I can't run or hike like she can. She got mad at me once because at Christmas I texted other people in the family before her, thanking them for the gifts...she was mad because I didn't text her thanking her fast enough...when really I was just trying to individually text everyone and it was taking time obviously. It was always somewhat bizarre the reasons why she would be mad. When we were on a road trip with my brother and he was actively dying of cancer, she got mad because neither of us was helping her set up the campsite...but yet she never asked us for help or used her words to say what she needed. Just got mad that no one was reading her mind and helping with some unknown tasks. She then also got mad at me because my dad called at one point when we were in a gift shop - I guess she was mad I took the call?? Maybe to her it was rude? Who fucking knows, I don't know but she huffed out and wouldn't even let me check the place out, just wanted to leave (I got reminded of that incident while reading old journals). I could list more...but I won't keep going, you get the point.

She thinks she is so much smarter than me and knows more than me but she really doesn't.

Her opinions are just straight up wrong sometimes. She gave me her opinion when I wanted to quit the Army Corps so I could leave Utah - I asked for it that time - but she said that in her opinion the army corps would give me more opportunities and that I shouldn't keep job hopping because it looks bad and that I shouldn't just be jumping on any job because I am desperate to leave Utah.

She was wrong about that. USACE is WAAAAY less flexible than the job I ended up getting, and also pays a lot less. Promotions aren't just given in the army corps, you have to actually APPLY for a whole new job to get a promotion and compete, and sometimes even move to a new office to get one. With my current job, I will get a promotion guaranteed after a time, without having to do anything special or apply for it.

She's also wrong about the job hopping thing because she is older and out of the loop. My generation jumps jobs very often - and we do that to our advantage actually. Jumping jobs gives you more money, better options, better opportunity. Several professional people have told me my resume is impressive BECAUSE I have such varied experience. If I had stayed in one place this whole time I wouldn't have that. My generation knows our own value - we choose ourselves over company loyalty. We know we have options and know our worth. That's not something to be ashamed of or to feel guilty about. Jumping jobs is not a mistake - it's actually the smart way to build a career nowadays. I had a coworker about Christy's age at my USACE office who had the same weird loyalty to company vibe...who actually THANKED our management for the "privilege" of even asking us what we want in terms of the new telework policy.

::Simper simper yes master simper::

Little does she know, other jobs would be even more flexible/accomodating and ALSO pay a lot more. Christy and this other lady I worked with had to work for over a decade at USACE to be making 100K a year...and had to move...I will probably be making that much within a year...so please explain to me how I was wrong in my decision?

She is just wrong about some things. That's what it comes down to. I don't need to be so bothered by her ignorance. I know the truth, and isn't that what matters?

Like all the dudes I dated who thought I wasn't anything special. My family who thought I was just a fuck up and nothing special. They were wrong weren't they? I knew the truth, Seth clearly sees that truth too. My professional colleagues see that truth. Seth's family does too.

The people who matter are the ones who believe in me. Those who don't are just wrong, that's all. It's not my job to convince anyone either. You can't fix dumb sometimes, you just have to accept it in others and move along.

Another one bites the dust as I said to Seth. Another one falls out of the circle of my life, watching them drop like flies.

Seth said to me that people come and go in our lives, and that is okay. It's not permanent. Other people will come into my life just like they did before. He reminded me that when I moved to Portland I did not know a single person...and somehow I managed to make a bunch of friends, many who I STILL talk to (Lecia, Kelley, Brittney, HIM). Some I don't talk to anymore, and that is okay, they were my friends at a certain time and in a certain place - I can have that again. In North Carolina I could meet new people, new friends. Neighbors, co-workers, Seth's friend who lives there, his friend's wife, their friends, people I meet in meetup groups, therapy groups, classes, etc. The possibilities are truly endless. I proved to myself in Portland that I didn't need anyone but myself, and that I had the ability to make friends in a way I never did before. I had more friends at my 29th birthday party than I ever had in my entire life.

He's right. I absolutely have the ability to meet new people, make new friends and build my social circle back up if I want to. I have him and his family. His friend might have friends we could meet and hang out with too. I am NOT alone. I will never be alone because I have the ability to meet new people and make friends. My fears are not true.

The pandemic threw a real wrench in my social life - it did with everyone's obviously - and plus moving to Utah. I think North Carolina will be different, at least I hope. We will be near a much more populated city (Charlotte) and probably have more opportunity to meet people because of that. Plus, we have an awesome smoker now that I would think would be a major talking point and incentive for people to come over and have cookouts/BBQ/dinner parties at our house.

I had hoped to have Christmas with Christy and to also just...visit her more often now that we will be so much closer. But maybe that just doesn't make sense. Maybe it doesn't really matter. We can have Christmas wherever, with whoever we want. We're not really moving to North Carolina to be closer to her or my family anyway. Yeah that was going to be one of the advantages, but it's not the only reason or even the main reason. We want to live in a place with affordable houses to buy, with decent weather and green, lush nature and decent food. That's it really. If I get to see my dad more, that is a plus but I realize now that I don't have to base my life around my family or people from my past.

After all, Seth's parents have built a whole entire social life here in Utah, with people they met only after moving here. Neighbors they made friends with, and co-workers. We can always do that too.

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