Edna Sadberry posted: " The offer came from a dark settled place in his mind. Settled and firmly set in not loving or being loved with the passion and fire most of us dream about. Is that how we start and finish, by settling for less? Settling for bits and piece, romanticizing"
The offer came from a dark settled place in his mind. Settled and firmly set in not loving or being loved with the passion and fire most of us dream about. Is that how we start and finish, by settling for less? Settling for bits and piece, romanticizing the broken scraps? Romanticizing toxic relationships because we do not understand how to get to what we want and most times we don't know what we want. Is this the new normal?
We are a nation of broken hearts trying to survive the rocky terrain passed down to us through generations of folks before us who settled and made the best of mediocrity. Folks wishing, hoping and praying for better, all the while settling. Abandoning dreams because settling was normal. Too afraid to speak the truth.
Fear keeps us trapped and empty, filling ourselves with outside distractions: polyamorous, side-pieces, f*%k buddies, on the down-low, friends with benefits, "dating" (euphemism for casual sex), on-line, hook-ups, etc., etc, etc.
Polyamorous people have multiple loving, intentional, and intimate relationships at the same time. ... Polyamory specifically refers to people who have multiple romantic relationships at the same time. It does not mean any type of open relationship that may include more casual sexual partners.
Side-Piece: a woman who has a continuing sexual relationship with a man who has a wife or regular girlfriend.
A friends with benefits relationship is one in which two people are physically intimate with one another, yet they're not committed to each other in any way. People involved in a friends with benefits relationship clearly enjoy spending time together, but their relationship isn't romantic and has no strings attached.
The Down low or DL is a slang term that originated in the 1990s in the African American community that is used to describe information or activities that should be kept secret
I am not trashing anyone's path to love. That is not what I am saying, If this works for you, more power to you. I ain't trying to block nobodies groove. I can honestly say, I have been riding the wave (no pun intended), hoping to get swept up into something that looks like love. Something that will feed the emptiness, so I don't have to take a close look at what that emptiness is about.
This is what they tell us love looks like. How confusing is this? Are you supposed to choose? Is this a buffet situation? Can I take a little of this and a little of that? Are you able to combine several and still get to love? Is this supposed to help us decide how we receive or express love? Or Both?
We are told we have to love ourselves before we can love someone else. How does that happen, when we are not clear on what love is or what you want? I have spent many years trying to figure out love and coming from a place where love was shown physically as a ass whipping, yelling, bullying, assault both physically and emotionally. No wonder I was so f-ing confused, with no context of what to look for. I passed that confusing shit to my daughters knowing it didn't work for me but not having the courage to look deeper. If I admitted what I was doing was damaging, I would have waited to have children until I figured the shit out. But no, I kept the toxicity going. So when you don't know what to look for, you look for what you already know: toxic relationships. When you get stuck in that toxic loop, it is damn near impossible to get out without somebody coming up missing.
I had a generative conversation with my daughter about what it truly means to "love yourself". It couldn't be about love because there are so many different variations and meanings of "love". My daughter brought up an interesting point. She said the true test is to "see yourself". Hump!!! That's new!!!
I followed her down the rabbit hole and it makes sense to me. Thank goodness she has the courage to stop the crazy. If you take the time to honestly "see yourself". To discover what you want, which requires a level of healing most of us are aware of but lack the courage and persistence to embrace. Healing requires courage and honesty, without judgment or shame but that is a hard ask, especially coming from brokenness. It takes too much energy, so I would rather settle and complain.
Where are all the good men?
Spoiler alert, I have said it before but this time I get it. Broken attracts broken so I just answered my own question.
We settle because it is too challenging to start at "home". Home is you. How many of us put in the work to honestly see ourselves? If we did, we would surround ourselves with folks that lift us up. We wouldn't be afraid to address toxic relationships and move away from things and people who haven't taken the time to "see themselves".
Seeing yourself requires removing all the distractions, toxicity, justifications, excuses and self-destructive ways we keep ourselves stuck. Being quiet and listening to what is going on inside your fears takes courage and sometimes; I don't have the energy for another self-reflective moment, so I settle and complain.
I have misquoted the lyrics from James Brown's "The Payback": "I don't know karate but I know crazy". What James Brown actually said was ......
I don't know karate, but I know ka-razor. Straight razors were a popular weapon in the small town, and ruralsouth that James Brown was raised in.
I have settled for crazy and tried to manage inside of crazy, because that is what I know.
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