Well...yesterday was a day. I woke up to a message from my boss - asking me to speak about/present about my research that I did on solar panels. Sooooo I was in a panic for most of the day. I tried taking a beta blocker to practice using it. I took 10 mg and made my presentation, gave it an hour to kick in, although I think it works better after 2 full hours. I made my presentation and then practiced on Seth, which isn't quite the same, but it seemed to help my anxiety and pounding heart. I practiced a bunch of times to get familiar with what I was going to say and talk about.
Then.........maybe because of the beta blocker making me feel weird/out of it/kind of high? I ended up sending my dad a text that I had meant to send to Seth......ABOUT my dad. So that thing where you send a text accidently to the person you are talking crap about kind of. UGH.
It started with my bitch ass sister sending a text to me AND my dad in a group chat...as she does...when she knows her dumb ass is blocked and she's trying to get to me. I only saw it because my dad responded with "cute" and I just ignored it.
Then later that night...he texts me, "Did you see this?" and sends the picture my sister must have sent. A school photo of my niece. Of course my sister would send a photo of my niece in an attempt to get me to respond. She's done that before...sent a pic of her and then when I responded she said, "I wish she knew you" hahahahaha WOW the level of manipulation/family shaming. So at this point, I knew the game. She's played it before.
I was annoyed that my dad was pushing it, and trying to push the fact that my sister sent US something and I should respond. I don't have to respond to my sister's attempts to manipulate me. My dad was engaging in emotional manipulation too at that point.
AGAIN this is a situation where I did not have to respond. I could have EASILY ignored it. I don't need to respond to things that raise red flags or trigger me. The red flags started really shaking around when I responded with "cute" and my dad said, "Yay!!"
Uh...............yay? To what???? Like the weird responses from my dad sometimes fuck me up. Like it's emotional manipulation. So you're happy because I responded to my sister's photo? Ugh fuck off, STOP. I regretted responding.
Then he proceeded to say that my niece reminds him of me and my sister and it was making him think about Village Green - where we grew up as a family. When we were a family, all together. Him and my mom and me and my siblings.
I know it must hurt him - I know the pain of thinking about when we were a family, and we're just not now. I know he must feel like he lost his whole family, because I for sure feel that pain. We lost my brother forever. My parents are divorced and live in different states. My sister is so consumed with her own bloated family and husband. My sister is not available in the way I always was when I lived back there.
But it also hurts me to think about when we were a "family". It wasn't a healthy family. Sure we had some good times, especially me and my dad when I was younger, and we went on family vacations. We had some good times for sure. But what he doesn't realize is that our mom abused us pretty badly when he wasn't around. If he was extra nice to us, she would get mad. She verbally abused him and us. We lived in a kind of house of horrors - where my mom was this fake nice person to everyone else, very put together, well-dressed, makeup perfect, hair perfect, jewelry on. But then behind closed doors it was like a demon possessed her at times. The screaming and yelling in this weird deep voice she would take on while yelling - slamming her fist - slamming doors. I would hide from her, run away, terrified. She would get even MORE angry at me when I would show how scared I was of her. My emotions made her mad - she would mock me when I would try to walk away or leave.
Honestly just a ton of trauma from my childhood home and hometown, that maybe my dad doesn't even understand. For him, he got to have his own family, and maybe he misses that in some ways. Now he's got his new girlfriend, but I suppose it's not the same. She's very close to her son and granddaughter but they are not HIS. He misses his own family that he used to have.
I get it but I also just don't want to deal with it. My capacity to handle my family's emotions has gone down to a drop - maybe less than a drop. If I feel like any amount of emotional turmoil is headed my way, I brace myself and prepare to fight it off. Get it off me. Get it away from me. Don't touch me with it.
As my therapist has said - I carried the emotional baggage for my family for a long time. Especially my parents'. Maybe because I was the youngest, or the most sensitive. Now my sister wants me to be that for her when she talks at me for 2 hours about her shitty husband and his shitty kids. As a sensitive person, I am much more affected by carrying other people's emotions and pain. It's VERY hard for me to separate myself from it, and not feel it or take it on. So I would rather just not deal with it.
I look at Seth's family and wonder why his is so different. There is no emotional turmoil in his family. His mom is crazy, yes, but he is able to ignore her mostly and no one gives him shit about it. He isn't close to his one brother who has kids, and his brother never gives him shit about it or guilt trips him about not being a part of his nephew's life. His brother doesn't cause turmoil just because he doesn't want to talk to him as much or be close. His father never unloads emotional stuff onto him - in fact he has told me it makes him a bit sad that their relationship is so surface level and doesn't go very deep. They never talk about stuff that might be bothering them.
I get that, but at the same time, WOW what I wouldn't give to just have a more surface level relationship sometimes with my family. Instead they are ALL so fucking emotional all the time and it's hard for me to deal with. I'm emotional too, which is hard enough to deal with and I actively have to work on my own emotions and regulating them. Dealing with an emotional family makes that hard.
I know my dad has anxiety and is a feeling/emotional person. I appreciate that we can have a deeper, meaningful relationship because of this - but it's also hard sometimes to deal with his random emotional texts. It's also triggering to me because it feels like he only gets nostalgic or emotional when he's been drinking. SO yeah I was annoyed. Annoyed with myself for even ENGAGING in this bullshit and annoyed with him for possibly getting drunk and texting a bunch of emotional bullshit to me.
I wrote - to Seth I THOUGHT - "Ugh my dad is in his feelings again" "Going to try and not let other people's feelings effect me"
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand in my totally out of it mind, I had not even clicked out of my dad's text messages before typing and sending that. Hahaha YEP. Sent that to my dad.
Ugh the fucking guilt I felt was pretty unbearable. I felt horrible and guilty all night. Even if he was drinking...he was just trying to share a memory with me, and be a mushy, loving father reminiscing about his family and his children. What I said wasn't like the worst thing but it still was pretty mean, when he was just being a loving dad in a lot of ways.
I felt so fucking guilty. I quickly wrote an apology - said sorry, and tried explaining that I was just feeling uncomfortable by him talking about my sister and our old family.
I guess again it comes down to me reacting when I should be COPING. Putting my phone away, and coping with my feelings of being triggered and feeling uncomfortable. Not responding. Not reacting, even by telling Seth how I am feeling in that very moment. I was trying to keep him out of it because I know he starts to get overwhelmed with my family drama (no wonder, he is not a super emotional person and he doesn't have these issues because his dad and brothers are not like that).
Anyway I was really disturbed. Felt so much guilt. I blocked his number because I couldn't handle seeing his response to what I had said to him on accident.
I don't want him to feel like he can't share his feelings with me - but it makes me feel icky when he only seems to do that when he is drinking - and it was just getting into uncomfortable territory, like triangular communication with my sister, who has been manipulative and dismissive towards me especially lately and I am trying not to engage with her for right now.
Today I woke up super early after taking a hydroxyzine to knock me out and take the edge off today. Woke up feeling sleepy and took a beta blocker - wanted to get it going ASAP this morning because my meeting was at 7 AM. Then took 0.5 of xanax for extra measure.
I still had a fair bit of mental anxiety for sure - wringing my hands to try and deal with it - but the medications DEFINITELY helped with my speaking (I was able to be calm and clear and speak normally, never lost my breath or felt that panic sensation of my heart pounding and my chest getting tight).
My dad had sent me an email - which is what he does when he is not getting through to be via text - and he wished me good luck with a smiley face and asked me to tell him how it went. Obviously no harm no foul in his mind. I really appreciate it obviously. My dad doesn't hold grudges, or really get mad easily. To an unhealthy level at times, yes, to the point of letting himself be abused by people like my mom, but at the same time...I obviously appreciate his ability to forgive easily when it comes to me fucking up and doing something bad or hurtful.
He even texted me saying he loved me today - and telling me he had no doubts that I would do great on my presentation.
I'm relieved that I haven't caused any serious damage. I'm not going to speculate. The reality is that, I said something that might have been taken as hurtful or judgemental - my dad forgave me to the point of saying only nice, loving things today. I appreciate and love my dad so much. His love is not dependent on me doing what he wants me to do, or on me being a certain way. His love doesn't go away just because I say something mean one time. He doesn't punish me with silence or anger.
I love my dad so much - hence my immense guilt for saying something hurtful to him accidently.
Today is better. I did the presentation - did not have a panic attack thanks to my medication - it went great - and my dad isn't mad at me. Also, Christy thanked me for the birthday gift I sent her - and she seemed genuinely happy and thankful, not angry anymore.
I asked Seth what he thinks about if I should continue my relationship with her or not and he made a good point - that I don't have to make these decisions now. Why should I make a black and white decision about a relationship - to cut them off or continue. It made me realize, that's my BPD wanting to make that decision, to protect myself. But why can't I just take it day by day?
Maybe that's what I could do with all my relationships - not cut people off altogether but just take it day by day. Maybe I don't respond all the time - especially when it's not something I want to respond to. Sometimes Christy doesn't respond for DAYS and I have no place or right to complain...she's busy and that's her prerogative to respond when she wants to. I don't have to respond to anyone or anything that I don't want to. But maybe sometimes I do want to?? I can choose what to respond to. Without having to block everyone. I don't need to put a wall in order to be safe.
I do like to protect myself from getting triggered though. Even seeing a text can trigger me and give me anxiety, but maybe I am just avoiding, instead of learning how to cope and practicing not responding to things I don't need to.
Anyway...I'm pretty exhausted from the medicines and waking up so early. Luckily I don't have much work to do for now...basically can relax the rest of the day which is so nice. I know my job won't always be so chill so I am taking advantage of it and using this time to relax and get chores done.
Tomorrow is a BBQ at Seth's parent's house which should be fun.
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