By Rashell; https://diaryofanunbreakablesoul.wordpress.com/

So, I just learned about myself that I have no self-control. Well, I do, but compared to what is normal, I barely have any.

I just learned this after being extremely irritated when something didn't go my way, and literally looking at my phone 5x every five minutes just to see if a guy texted me back. (He said he was going to see if he could make plans today. Uh, man, can you let me know NOW? Before you flake on me since I have zero time to hang out this week? Thanks?)

I like when things are in my control. Who doesn't? I am a control freak. When something doesn't go my way, when I need to get gas at times when it seems like the absolutely wrong time to get gas, or when I can't go to sleep the exact time that I WANT TO, I get extremely frustrated. And then I get angry. And then I feel like crap.

I've always, always been like that, but it's gotten a little out of hand lately. Mainly because I want my life to be at this time at this place with these feelings. I don't like surprises. Please let me know ahead of time an idea of what you want to give me for my birthday/Christmas/Valentine's Day.

Also, my dad's death really reminded me that life isn't never clear-cut, and I'm reacting in what feels like the worst way possible. Trying to control everything that I'm doing as much as I can.

That honestly feels like a recipe for disaster. I'm trying my best, setting up timers for when I should move onto the next task, when my brain doesn't have the energy or mental capacity to move my body or rest or do the f*cking laundry. I want to relax, but I also want to move at the same time. Did I mention I don't have patience for a lot of things?

Like today, for example. I wanted to spend some time with a guy today. Because last Sunday we hung out, and I want to hang out again, because at his apartment, I feel nice and relaxed and not at all high-strung and feeling like the world will be sucked into a giant ugly black hole at any minute. There, I feel better.

He hasn't let me known or texted me about any plans today, which feels like it should drive me insane. It's like I have two voices on my shoulder. One is the Kinda-Clingy Rashell, poking me with her annoying-ass trident, telling me to just text him again. Text him, but keep looking at your phone. And don't quit until you get an answer.

Meanwhile, the other Good, Calmer Rashell is whispering to just leave the damn phone alone. You know him a little by now and how he doesn't really ignore his texts. So, let him take his time and let him text you. Seriously. You might can hang out with him.

So, I caved into both Rashells and just texted him a good afternoon text. If I don't leave the house to see a guy, I don't think it matters. I need to rest today anyways.

I'm just so tired of this. Of feeling like I have to fight to be in control of a battle I never chose to fight in. I don't want this problem. I don't want to deal with guilt about my dad who passed away. I don't want to deal with living in a house I don't want to live in, with a sibling who is extremely annoying and want to punch in the face lightly because he is so freaking annoying.

I'm tired of trying. I just want to drive around, wait for some jerk to honk at me, and for me to throw my middle finger to them out the window. Or a friend naively telling me, "wow you're so strong!!!" while I tell them to shut the f*ck up. I want to go into Snapchat and delete all the people who don't care about me. I want to stand in the streets and yell out, "I don't f*cking care!" at everyone who decides to look at me funny.

I don't know what this feeling is. It feels like anger but in an awful, primal way. Like my body is rejecting whatever negative feeling I have, and wants to let it out by screaming as loud as I can. It's like my life just got destroyed, and I'm ready to destroy life itself.

But most of all, I want to ask why. I want to ask someone, anything, why my dad have to live until one month ago? Why did his health have to decline? And why did it have to be me, someone with anxiety and chronic insomnia, to deal with this old man as my dad? And why didn't any of the f*cking cardiologists and hospital staff do more about it? After they knew that this guy was randomly passing out and having seizures as a 75 year old. Something about him not getting a CT scan or a CAT scan until the 3rd time he went to the hospital with these symptoms is … odd. So odd.

So, what does life look like now? Who will really understand me when I have sleep problems and social anxiety and possible ADHD symptoms? Who in this world is the most like me? My dad. He was the most like me, and he always understood my pain.

Sometimes I want to hide in a cabin and never come out, except when I have to buy food or go outside for sunlight. Most of the time I just want to be alone, because I like being alone and hate when I talk to people and they say stupid sh*t like, "At least the world is ending soon!" or "Smile!" or "Wow, you are really young to lose your dad." Jesus, people, stop.

I don't actually want to hang out with this new guy that I'm seeing. I want to have peace and hang out with my dad. That's not an option though. So, I think it's best to just take a break and walk. Explore. Be in a relaxed state and just exist at a space if I want to. I'm entitled to that, because I'm a fucking human being who is going through an extreme amount of trauma.

17 Oct, 2021

K.Rashell
Mississippi, US

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