I know I can be a bit negative from past experiences, which is why I want to share the good things this time.
When I was 16, I made a random online friend. My brother and I used to troll on a site called Chat Roulette.
We would prank people online, thinking we were so cool. I don't think we were now, it was really just stupid bored behaviour when we weren't on XBox live.
But it was a fateful night when we came across this guy in Michigan. He just sat there in a dark room and said hi. It was as simple as that.
My brother and I thought he was cool. He wasn't in a large group being stupid or acting cool. He was just there as himself and started asking us questions about Australia and then about ourselves.
From what I remember, my brother and I chat with him for ages and we got on the topic of games. So, they exchanged gamer tags and we all started playing Modern Warfare with him online.
I didn't think much about it, but He became a huge part of my life.
Looking back on it, it is a bit of a blur. Maybe because it is the only time of innocence, the only good thing I had in my life at that time.
Our time slowly started to consist of gaming together for hours on end, then became daily chats, all the way to falling asleep on webcam to each other making time zones work.
It was innocent and wholesome. He was the first person I said the three words to. And I meant it. We both meant it.
Sure, it was childish puppy-love. But it was love nonetheless. It was honest and we were both innocent in our own way.
We had dreamed of seeing each other, or me moving to the US to pursue acting. My day consist of messages and planning the next game session.
But sadly we grew up.
Painfully, I grew up too fast after so much. I didn't have a chance to take my time in growing up.
My slow days of him sped up. Everything was NOW NOW NOW. Sink or swim. You have to grow up. Figure your life out at this moment! You're 18, you should be a grown up now.
My school peers were finishing uni, getting married and having kids. Why wasn't I?
Before I knew it, I was 19. I got my first boyfriend, who was actually there. Who then helped speed up the process of my growing pains before I was ready for what the real world can bring. Never to trust or love myself again.
The illusion of what I imagined shattered.
I know. It does sound dramatic. But it was traumatic.... and ultimately, I spread that to Him while carrying the burden for a decade.
We lost contact so many times because neither of us were in good spaces or places. I just wasn't happy. Let alone feel deserving of any happiness.
But I swear I never forgot about him. I even told boyfriends about him. Which would then leave me wondering about Him and how He was doing.
Which leads me to this moment.
We talk again. We have shared all the empty spaces that we stopped talking. It is almost like we never lost it.
We are just friends now, and we know we can still be there together with both of our new found wisdom and experiences. That's a bonus.
But the best part is getting back to our younger selves. Gaming hours at a time together and shooting the shit.
Leaving each other the good morning and good night messages and well wishes for the day. Positive messages of support. All that stuff
It's nice to finally experience that after everything. Even just from a good, supportive friend.
Despite how much we both aged, I like to think our younger selves are still together in another universe where neither of us got hurt.
It's a nice thought, isn't it?
Just to have that childish wishful thinking. Imagining a perfect world away from where I lived.
What does a first love mean to you? Do you still think of them?
