To see all the bullshit stories/rants/petty grievances of Kieran’s Humor go to https://kieranhumor.com. It sucks being the only fat man in San Francisco. I was there for work one week -- squeezed into a conference hotel with a thousand skinny fucks. A bunch of vegans and vegetarians with food allergies surrounded me. Even in the few moments when I escaped the hotel, the streets were packed, the restaurants and bars had these tiny chairs and tables stacked on each other like legos. It was like being in the middle seat on a cheap flight for 5 days straight. I pulled in my shoulders at all times. I turned sideways to get through every door. I couldn't take a deep breath for a week. You would think these damn people would look up, see a bear-like creature and get the fuck out of the way. Nope, not a one of them. Like a bunch of junior high kids who don't realize they have grown, they pushed into these squeezes between people and dared to "touch" me. Jesus, don't fucking touch me. Day TwoDay two, the strangest thing started happening. I believe my body started to shrink to fit its new environment. The wife had ironed 2 pairs of dress pants, because it's too embarrassing for her when I do it. I brought 4 dress shirts. That's right, white male privilege -- we can reuse dress pants. They all look the same anyway. Don't be a dumbass and spill anything on your dark blue (or black or whatever color they are) pants, and you can wear them again. HA! If I wasn't married, I'd probably try the same with underwear. But when I get home, she will count the used pairs. Yep, it's too bad ladies, but this man is already taken. Day two, the pants were looser. I had to tighten the belt a full notch. The shirt didn't squeeze my chest. I could almost breathe in that half monkey suit. Yep, fuck it, I'm not wearing the tie and the jacket to go the full monkey...
Day three, even the clean underwear was "looser." I went down another notch on the belt. And I had to cinch the pants just a little bit to keep them up. I could half folded over an inch if I wanted. I've lost weight fast before -- crazy ass zone diet or just having the flu for 3 days, but this is the most I "felt" weight loss. In San Fran, I was eating when I had the chance. I was skipping my trips to the gym or night-time bike rides. So I wasn't getting any exercise. If you think this is funny or worth a read, you can tell Kieran's Humor that writing has value. Pledge a future subscription. You won't be charged unless they enable payments.
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Thursday, 13 February 2025
Becoming a skinny fuck in San Francisco
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