Jessica Paul
The Haven Home
Jessica Media Opinions
THE HAVEN HOME
The home is where it all begins. Our existence is made through the confine. Even if you claim to be without a home, you were however given birth to and found yourself in environment with people you existed with. One can define the home as a family unit made up of a man, a woman who come together through marriage and children, if they decide to have.
The home cannot exist without a conscious effort on the part of the constituents and make it up. It is up to them to make it conducive.
The man
The husband, partner, father, is the head of the home. A leader serves his followers and thus, the man carries responsibility. He is the responsible for his home. If the family is not doing well, the man should be held accountable. The roles a man plays in the home. Protect,cultivate,protect, guard,provide and be in the presence of God.
A Husband
The man plays the role of the husband in the home. A husband to a wife. In the creation account, God made man from the dust of the earth and breathed life into him. God saw that it was not good for a man to be alone , caused Adam to fall asleep , took a rib and formed someone like him and Adam called her woman, and she became his wife Eve. He took responsibility of and for her.
From the moment you say 'I do' with a partner, you make them a priority over everyone else including your family. You take a helper who is a complete individual and you become responsible for a complete person with strengths and weaknesses, thus you should expect perfection only if you are perfect.
Economic/financial partner
Many in the home have kept money outside the relationship. While some have made it a major source of conflict. The haven home should be where finances are talked about and shared reasonably. It is wise to agree before making major financial decisions or steps to avoid unnecessary strife that could be avoided. Its unfair to hide your income while your partner is struggling to make provision for the whole family.
Adviser
You become a teacher, guide, tutor in matters where your partner may not be getting it right. To be able to do this, you must equip and develop yourself to be knowledgeable enough in matters that you think they need assistance or a helping hand in. Source for help for your partner as you would for yourself.
Lover
Your decision to be a life partner gives you no other option. Your marital vows also confirms this. You owe one another your total being. If they are hindrances, work on them together as a couple. You owe one another your time, strength and understanding make yourself lovable to derive maximum pleasure for both of you. Teach yourselves in gentleness and with patience how to get satisfaction. Enjoy yourselves only and make your partner what you can enjoy comfortably. Remember it takes two to tango. If your partner is sick, so are you. It doesn't give you any right to be unfaithful. Focus on their strengths and help weaknesses.
Be affectionate. Aside from sex, take the thread off his cloth, knot his tie, brush her hair, off his shoes, zip her cloth etc. It's the little things that count.
Playmate
When married, people outside believe some boundary should be set while interacting with you. This likely leaves you alone with the one you are married to. Your partner might generate wrong ideas if you are playing with members of the opposite sex. As a result of this, find things could do together to catch fun. It could be indoor /outdoor recreation, travelling, sightseeing, watching the stars, taking a walk, dancing, producing a music etc
Confidant
At times, all a partner might need is someone to listen to them and not necessarily requiring any advice. This might be due to pent up emotions due to stress from work, school or in the home. Your partner should be able to confide in you without being judged. This saves problems from getting bigger than they should. Also emotional attachment that could be developed outside in confiding with strangers which could threaten the home could be avoided. Understand that emotional fluctuations can result in women at different point in a cycle due to hormonal changes. All your partner might need might just be a shoulder to cry on, a long hug or arms to cuddle in to get themselves fit to face the harshness of the world again.
Spiritual mate
The man is the head of the woman and God is the head of the man. If he has a relationship with God, he is to ensure same is said about his wife. The couple are to seek the face of God. God is spirit. We have the breath of God in us, thus need to remain connected to our source. Being disconnected endangers our life. Develop one another spiritually even as we strive in other aspects of life to be balanced. It is necessary to pray always for one another, pray together and have a family alter where you go before your creator. The more this is done, the better it is for the family. If one is falling, let the other help. If something is wrong, you can make it better as a partner.
Social mate
You are expected to appear as a couple at social functions. If you prefer hanging out with others other than your partner, then something is wrong. Its either you are unhappy with them for some reason. What happens outside is as a result of what is in the home. It shows if you can reach agreement reasonably as a couple. It shows how caring, submissive or vice vesa you are. The haven home should be the one that others are willing to imitate. If you are unwilling to be social with you spouse, you leave them alone and unprotected (open to infidelity).
School mate
Life is a school in itself. You learn about issues of life together as a reason of being together. As a result of this, you might share a particular view on an issue and have differing opinions on another, this should not harm the relationship. While in life's school, you meet people with differing opinions but this does not give you the right to right to break rules or laws that have been made.
Best friend
Be best of friends. Always have each other back and prefer yourselves above everyone else. Enjoy your company, go out of your way to do things that would make your partner miss you when you are not around. Share your secret with one another and ensure your partners secret is safe and won't be the next trending news on social media.
Encourage your partner to pursue their dreams or passion and to be the best (you know) they can be. If you decide to be the source of your partners discouragement, it will boomerang and their pain will hunt you in turn. Encourage them and be happy with their success. Your partner could be the reason you are respected as a person at some point in life, so put in your best. Invest in their growth and expect to reap what you sowed, or vice versa. Develop one another and don't be quick to give up on the process.
Guard
You are to guard one another from possible harm. Be available emotionally, spiritually, physically, psychologically, sexually and financially in order to know how to meet needs. Be sensitive to detect possible danger signs and also be knowledgeable in avoiding them. Be available and give the enemy no chance to deceive your spouse into eating the forbidden fruit. Be there to fight or ward off possible threats.
Tools for the haven home
Take your spouse as yourself. Any harm that comes to any partner gets to the other in the end. Watch your every move, communicate to find out feelings get a feedback. Love well enough and give one another no reason to seek love elsewhere (opposite sex, food, alcohol, drugs, excessive shopping, partying, isolation etc). This makes it difficult for the enemy to strike.
Boost each other self-esteem and don't be the one responsible as an hindrance. A good self esteem is healthy and not the same thing as pride.
Respect
Ensure your spouse has a sense of worth as a human being. There may be times when the going gets tough on them, those are not the times to use derogatory or abusive words and actions on them.
You are entitled to your opinion, so is your spouse. You both deserve to be respected, regarded as individuals. After God, comes your spouse before everyone else.
Give one another the room for self-development. Realize that the union is just an aspect of their life and not all the aspects of their life. Other aspects may include their individual job, personal hobbies, relations, spiritual, financial, psychological or emotions.
Keep your marriage separate
In the haven home, realize that your home is the highest priority. Don't let the cares of the world outside or your Job or ambition be a priority in the home. If you allow this, when another aspect is down, it means the home becomes shaky and when it strives the home is peaceful. The success of you home should remain intact despite whatever happens outside e.g academic failure, sack, health challenge etc.
Be content
Contentment is what makes you appreciate what you have. Be satisfied with what you have. Your home can only be a haven if you have this understanding. Contentment stops frustration. For instance, a young married a wife / husband who likes partying as opposed to you, you meet someone who does and is interested in you, this could lead to extramarital affair and a broken home.
Just because your neighbors dress better or live in better conditions doesn't mean you need to work yourself to being like them even if you don't share the same income.
When you begin comparing your relationship with others, checking for what is lacking in yours, you'ld find plenty reasons why another couple is better than you. This can make you destroy the only partner who has agreed to stick by you come what may, and all you'll have is to rub off the fact that you are actually comparing them to another. This is hurtful and would bring negative reaction in the mind of a person with the best of intentions. Why should they act like another when they are not them? Desiring what you don't have makes you forget what you do have and when that happens, it may be too late to fix the relationship over again.
No one is perfect. Leaving such partner to another because of their imperfection in an area would push you to someone else who is perfect in that area but dysfunctional in another. A contented person makes do of what they've got and desires nothing that can't be afforded/ gotten.
Why do you expect your spouse to be as good in bed as a prostitute, when they are not one, they've never had the experience of being one and probably will never have? Or are you willing to send them for training/industrial attachment in that discipline or industry? If you wanted one of such, you should have settled for one and reap the benefit in all other areas.
Be the best you can be
Do your best and leave the rest. If your spouse can't get the best from you, who would they get it from? The worst thing is to make your spouse feel like there's better out there. Why can't it be from you? It includes material things (cars, money, cloths, etc) within your capacity to produce as well as a balance in all facets that makes up human life. We humans have the tendency of leaving uncomfortable and unhappy circumstances or situations elsewhere. You really don't have to wait for things to get out of control before you start trying to be your best. Starting now doesn't mean it's too late either.
Co-operate in one accord
Where there is no co-oporation, there is frustration. This involves not just the couple only, but as well as their children. The children co-operating only with themselves is harmful to the home and vice-versa. This could result in conspiracy. Situations whereby the man sticks with the male of woman with the girls also brings about imbalance. Build your children well to be able to face the society in a balanced standpoint. Restricting or confining a child of the same sex to you makes the child either want to exploit the opposite sex or remain limited to same sex, which limits their scope on life generally. These these are extreme cases and neither is advisable.
It is what we learn from our families that is taken out to build new homes. Many don't have the time or patience to pick what is harmful or harmonious in a home. And this leaves them with a tendency of exhibiting the same characteristics in the newly established home. Make your home a haven and let your offspring carry your traits.
Parent
The parent is made up of the as father, the sperm donor or husband and a mother, the wife, female, homemaker, childbearer. If a child is blessed to grow or to meet both the father and mother such a child views you as their all and all, first and last and also their god at least in terms of provision. This goes on till they start noticing your flaws and making new relationships as they get older. A father is a male parent. You are the savior or answer your children know. A father has a role to play and its not limited to finances, shelter, food or clothing. Anyone without a father can manage to get these things if not, all fatherless people will be roaming naked and not catered for.
The haven home parent goes beyond the material/physical to the emotional, psychological and spiritual level in a child. Adults tend to talk about their parents but when you're long gone what will they have to say about? What and how were you able to influence them beyond your name and possessions? What kind of husband did you present yourself to be? What kind of example are you making for them to copy?
Call black black. Let them know you are seeing black but more importantly, that they have what it takes to be white. For example, 'do you know you can be more attractive with a smile' rather than 'you look ugly when serious' or 'you'll understand it with a little more patience rather than ' you don't know anything'.
Discouragement doesn't make anyone better. It kills the chances of one improving to become better.
You can't control your child's life. They were made for a purpose. Help them realize their purpose , don't give them one to fulfill. Know your children at all levels( emotionally, psychologically etc) know the mistakes they make and address it while you still can. Know that you can't correct a correct a child when you've not corrected yourself. You can't tell a child to stop doing what you are doing.
Find out the things they cannot do. If someone accuses then ask yourself if the child you know can. Don't try to cover up their wrongs but know when they are being misjudged.
Deal with each child on his/her own platform or level. Some children develop faster while others are slower. Each child in unique. Avoid random societal generalization concerning your children. For instance, it is known that from the age of thirteen, start experimenting with their bodies sexually, your own child might have been exposed at the age six years old or may not be ready at age 21. Know if they are experimenting with same sex friends. If this can be discovered early enough and corrected an early enough and corrected at an early age, you won't have the problem of attending your childs wedding in future because its an homosexual wedding.
Study their character traits, personality, temperament, discover their likes and dislikes, hobbies and taste. To do this, you to create time to spend with them. This should not be restricted to the mother or the father. Both of you got to do the parenting and care giving job. You conceived them together thus you bring them up together.
Children should be brought up in the fear of God. The only thing that checks the character or direct an individual is their sense of devotion or dedication to God. Rule them with the word and be rest assured that it would make upbringing easier.
Show them affection. Don't let them seek it elsewhere because yours is lacking or insufficient. The world is waiting to show them love in a manner that would ruin them. Be friends with them, play with them, talk to them and encourage them. Know when they need to be disciplined by the rod, and when they need to be sat down, reasoned with and cancelled by talking sense into their heads. Know when they have reached the stage to advice themselves.
Obstructers in the home
There are some behaviours that would and could interrupt the flow and peace of a given family. The family could grow to become unified but there are actions that deliberately interfere with the love in the home. Of course there is the place of forgiveness, forbearing and conflict resolution, however, if you want a haven home, you should watch out for these silent home wreakers.
Infidelity
Infidelity could also be termed as unfaithfulness, disloyalty or cheating. This breaks trust between the couple and breeds contempt, disrespect and disregard from the faithful partner to the cheating one. The bed has been defiled by another spirit. The joining of one man to one woman is complex enough for one to introduce another party to the union.
No matter your wealth, social status, title, profession etc, if you can't tame your sexual desires and be faithful to your partner, or have a faithful partner, you are in for a wild ride in marriage.
It is also vital to note that, the sexually transmitted diseases you will likely get as a result of few minutes of pleasure might definitely not be worth the health challenges. It is a known fact that individuals who lacked proper orientation while single go into marriage in the same manner, living as they please, sleeping around, partying, clubbing, doing drugs or alcohol not minding the repercussion of the outcome.
Of course, they get drunk, wake up in the morning with a random stranger and live with whatever they have gotten.
These same persons venture into marriage feeling that their partner would be able to tame and handle their excesses. Of course, when married, they fall into the previous habits 'once in a while' which is enough to bring a challenge to the entire family.
It is pertinent that you know your choice of a life partner well enough before embarking on the marital journey.
You are not just left to yourself on a lonely part in life after you commit, your spouse if still around as a result of not leaving you, might give you a hell of a ride down the line. I see a couple as people being placed on a pedestal in which are debased after the act of cheating. You might never find anyone else who would treat you with regard with that kind of lifestyle.
Infidelity doesn't only affect the couple involved, it also affects the children. The children live with such and it only takes a determined child to decide what he or she wants out of his/her future marriage. You would always be seen that way by your children. Of course they would still love you, however you would be seen as imperfect in that regard.
Pride
Life is full of stages. Good times and bad times. One partner who is financially in a good place, might begin to feel superior to the other. You started in a place of love which made you bring out your best of behaviours. But when the butterflies wears out, you see one another for who they truly are. Your ego is so big to say sorry when you are wrong and to admit your faults.
Over dependence
It was mostly the case of women depending on the male spouse previously but these days, women are rising up to the challenge and surpassing the benchmark. Men can also be overly dependent and vice versa. It is necessary to note that you are alone on earth and need to be responsible for yourself first before adding another to the equation in marriage.
You are no longer a child and need to find a way to be useful to yourself first and then to others. If it is laziness, then there's something you tend to be drawn towards. Try building an income stream along that angle and let someone's son or daughter have a breath of fresh air.The art of independence is a trait to be valued and is appreciated in our current economic disposition around the world.
There are however those who love being depended upon, find your match and be ready to provide all through their lifetime, including when the children come in.
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