It's Wednesday and I just returned home from the pain doc. My habit recently has been to get on twitter while having coffee and post whichever day's theme, be it mythology, folklore, fairytales, etc. Then I check the word prompt list for the day and try to string a poem together. That gets me warmed up for working on the book. Today that routine was shot. The appt took forever, and then I ate, cut some flowers and pulled some weeds, and then came to check on prompts.
The #FromOneLine prompt is: I have lost all my relations, and most of my friends. Ouch but ok... other prompts I thought I could use included words like idol, regret, forever autumn, body snatchers, fireside glow, persistence, memory, sleepwalk. I started with the first line and the thing is, it just hits too close to home. I don't think I even know how to meet new friends any more. I thought about doing the dating site thing... I put up a brief profile, got swamped with requests and shut that shit right back down. Nope. Not ready for dealing with that. But the thing is, if I don't do something it's sure as hell not going to get any better.
So here I am using those prompts and trying to write a poem and find myself wanting to cry. I have made so many mistakes. Some of them weren't my fault. I didn't have a chance. Others are my fault but the thing is, I don't know if I could have made any other choice. My former best friend's betrayal still hurts, all this time later. I know the alcohol changed her for the worse, and we weren't as close because of that, but I would have never left her even so. She chose to betray me either for the alcohol, out of jealousy, anger, or a combination, but she had no cause. Her piece of shit husband was hitting on me. I knew she'd blame me because she was blind when it came to him so I didn't say anything. I just tried to avoid him. Then she caught him with his hand on my ass and I was relieved. I told her he'd been trying things and she told me he'd told her some bullshit about me coming on to him or something. It was complete lies but it put that doubt in her mind. She believed this same pos over her own daughter, so of course she believed him.
She lost the kids due to the alcohol so they were staying with me on weekends so she could see them, but she wasn't allowed to drink at my house. So she just didn't show up and she twisted it around to make it somehow my fault and that I was keeping the kids from her. And on and on until she crawled into bed with my ex bf who I still cared for. There's more.. a lot more, but I don't want to keep rehashing it. I just wish I could stop thinking about it. I wish I could stop missing her. I wish I could stop feeling like I'm missing a limb. We were inseparable from the age of 14 and we were supposed to stay that way.
I have an uncle and cousin. They are the only ones I like on that side, and I learned yesterday they are moving far far away. That's adding to the prompt angst I think.I have my brother, and I have a cousin on the other side. And that's it. I miss my mother, I miss my grandmother, I miss my best friend, I miss my ex. I'm just a complete fucking mess today so I apologize.
Other than that, here's some more stuff I wrote this week
10/26 prompts - This was fun. Chants around the bonfire flames Magic spells and spooky games A Hunter's moon rides in the sky As midnight hour grows ever nigh Burning herbs and casting stones A scarlet yearning in my bones, Vampire, mummy, werewolf, lich, Called up from their sodden crypt (and bade to serve by this old witch) Sent to haunt these Autumn nights With Halloween chills and frights. 10/28 prompts - I rather like this but it needs work. I don't normally write quickly.. and when doing these prompts I have to cough them up fast. The last verse especially sort of loses the thread. All at once the wolves began to howl Circling my cardboard fortress; Calling "Rapunzel! Let down your hair!" The witch away and Hot desire rising like vapor In the cold October night. It's the treacherous thrill; Your feral breath on my skin, A demonic craving to burn, and the abandon of flaming turrets collapsing satisfied in the ashes. The crone returns to glowing embers, A broken tower and soot-smudged daughter shorn of my braided reins, but pierced with new knowledge crowned with merlons of moonlight and wolf's teeth.
haiku
Graveyard voices rise Moonlight silvers weathered stone Samhain's dancing dead
10/29 haiku scifi and horror - I like this! Science! Nerding out!
It's raining diamonds; Kaleidoscope sky lightning Saturn's storm forecast Twice singed by balefire Calling demons by moonlight Phantasms in flames
10/30 - haiku - horror & scifi
Don't open the latch Werewolves are howling tonight Blood moon's savage hunt Halloween in space Xenos away in costumes Knocking at portholes
10/31
We placed his remains under a cypress, with Spanish moss and water iris Laid across the knobby knees of the gathering grandfather trees Circled thrice with ancient power we spake the words at midnight hour. The ghosts in the garden gathering near close around the funeral bier The storm began, we held our breath and then he rose, brought back from death. 11/1 - haiku Cobalt reflections Swallowing lamentations Well of lost sorrows
And that catches me up. I'll write more when I'm not quite so miserable.
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