To see all the bullshit stories/rants/petty grievances of Kieran’s Humor go to https://kieranhumor.com. It is surprisingly easy to be an asshole. It was in one of my first classes at ASU. American History 101. The professor was probably 25 years old. She wore business suits every day. If she was more than 5-feet tall, I’m a dinosaur. She was smart and she knew her shit, and I liked her. But I don’t think she liked me. I sat in the back, and mumbled very deep thoughts like: “that’s fucking bullshit.” I did that in every class — very popular with the teachers. At ASU, this meant no one would sit near me and often there was a ring of open seats around me. The ring could have been due to poverty. I couldn’t afford a car. I biked 4 miles to school. I also couldn’t afford deodorant. I prefer to think it was the oratory and not the odor. So I was 19 — freed from Catholic school and finally able to express my pent-up atheism. I realized religion was bullshit the first day of 7th grade. No loving God would have permitted Mrs. Smith to teach children. First paper at ASU: I write 10 almost-researched pages on biblical quotes confederates used to rationalize slavery. There’s a long list. Jesus even talked about the proper way to beat a slave.
No mentions in the bible that slavery was sinful or that slave owners were going to hell. Can’t wear linen and wool in the same coat, or eat lobster, but go ahead and beat your slaves and heaven can be yours. Jesus fucking christ on a cross who can follow that bullshit… But in the paper, I didn’t mention that thought. I dutifully reported the quotes and footnoted the speakers like they were fucking American heroes — you know Jefferson Davis, John C. Calhoun, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington. All mixed together with Jesus and Paul in one happy slave-holding family. I hand in the paper with a big dumb smile on my face. The title was something like: “The Confederates had God on their Side.” If you think this is funny or worth a read, you can tell Kieran's Humor that writing has value. Pledge a future subscription. You won't be charged unless they enable payments.
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Thursday, January 2, 2025
Confederate Christians
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