I was raised to do the very best at anything that I attempted. That is good and agrees with the Scripture that says, "Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve." (Colossians 3:23-24) In context that is speaking to slaves, but it must surely include employees, and in reality, all who belong to Christ. As it says in 1 Corinthians 10:31, "Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve." We cannot do less than our best.
But my upbringing extended beyond that. I was put under considerable pressure to be really good at all that I did.
My little brain and emotions interpreted that to mean that I was supposed to be the best at whatever I did. Then, because I never seemed to meet my father's expectations, I strove to be the best at a good many things and did not accept less than excellent or even perfect in all that I attempted. It is obvious where this is headed. I was frustrated, angry, and depressed because I didn't meet up to my own or my perceived expectations from others. I had a deep-seated fear of being found out to be a fraud because I didn't know how to do something.
Praise be to God that I have been rescued from the guilt and shame of that thinking. But old habits and patterns die hard. I was on a walk today, enjoying the exercise and the beauty of the view from the hill I was surmounting, when a tune came to me, Minuet in G Major by Bach. I was joyously pacing my steps by it. Then a sudden flash of sadness came across me and I felt as if tears would well up within me. I took piano lessons for seven years when I was a child, deeply desiring to succeed at it. I could in fact play quite hard pieces, but I was never able, though I try real hard, to sit down and play most hymns from a hymnbook so that others might sing along. It frustrated me that I was not really good at the piano and here all these years later there was still this tinge of regret and sorrow.
But God has been rich in His grace toward me. The next thoughts that came to my mind as I neared the top of the hill were of a thankful sort. Most of what I had desired and dreamed of attempted and pursued and trained for, frustrated over, and failed at had fallen by the wayside. In its placed He has developed other talents, pursuits, compassions, joys for which He has made me and with which He is pleased. I still try my best to do my best, but I don't need to be the best and far less than perfect is acceptable and pleasing. I am more content with who I am and what I can do than ever in my life, and that is better than best. In those moments when I regress, I have opportunity to repent and find rest in who He has made me to be. All glory be to His name. He is a loving, patient, kind, and caring teacher and guide.
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