Mother May I Have FRIES With That?

The Lightkeepers Journal

January 29

The childhood game of "Mother May I" is a classic and simple game that involves one person giving commands to others who must ask for permission before taking any action. While seemingly unrelated, this childhood game can serve as an unexpected yet effective metaphor for understanding and practicing consent in the realm of BDSM. When combined with the FRIES framework (Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, Specific), Mother May I becomes a valuable tool for fostering communication, establishing boundaries, and ensuring the safety and well-being of all parties involved in BDSM dynamics.

Mother May I is a game that revolves around seeking permission and establishing boundaries. In the game, one person plays the role of "Mother" and issues commands to the other players. The players, in turn, must ask, "Mother, may I?" before taking any step forward. The Mother has the authority to grant or deny permission based on their judgment. This simple structure parallels the dynamics of BDSM relationships, where communication and consent play pivotal roles.

The negotiation of consent before engaging in any play is a fundamental and non-negotiable aspect of establishing trust and ensuring the safety of all participants. Consent negotiation involves discussing boundaries, preferences, safe words/gestures, and limitations in detail, allowing individuals to express their comfort levels and establish a mutual understanding of what activities are acceptable. Once the play begins, the negotiated consent forms the framework within which the activities unfold. Consent must not be renegotiated during play, as doing so can compromise the emotional and physical well-being of those involved. Renegotiating consent in the midst of a scene may lead to confusion, miscommunication, and potential harm. The pre-established boundaries serve as a guide and a source of security, creating an environment where participants can fully immerse themselves in the experience without the need for renegotiation, allowing for a safer and more enjoyable exploration of BDSM dynamics.

Additionally, the FRIES framework serves as a comprehensive guide for understanding and practicing consent:

Freely Given: Consent must be voluntary and not coerced.
Reversible: Consent can be withdrawn at any point, for any reason.
Informed: Participants must have a clear understanding of what they are consenting to.
Enthusiastic: Consent should be enthusiastic and not passive.
Specific: Consent should be specific to each activity.

The correlation between the childhood game of Mother May I and the BDSM lifestyle lies in the paramount importance of consent. Whether you are a newcomer to the lifestyle or a seasoned practitioner with a new partner, consent negotiation before play is a foundational step. While the explicit phrase "Mother may I" need not be necessary, unless it is your kink, incorporating the essence of the game can serve as a valuable guide. Instead of using the exact words, consider asking questions like "may I spank you harder?" or stating intentions such as "I am going to touch you here." Though these actions have all been negotiated beforehand, seeking authorization during the scene reinforces consent, builds trust, and maintains a safe and enjoyable environment. While it may not evoke immediate feelings of sensuality, prioritizing and reaffirming your partner's consent demonstrates genuine care. This practice becomes particularly crucial for newcomers or when exploring dynamics with a new partner, offering a readily accessible exit if anyone feels uncomfortable, even with prior consent. While some may argue that this step is redundant post-consent negotiation, incorporating elements of Mother May I not only fosters a sense of safety for submissives but also nurtures trust, and intimacy while strengthening the bond within the partnership. Until everyone involved is comfortable, integrating a touch of Mother May I into your play can contribute significantly to a deeper and more fulfilling connection.

While the connection between the childhood game of Mother May I and BDSM may seem unconventional, the underlying principles of seeking permission, clear communication, and understanding boundaries are applicable in both contexts. By combining the simplicity of Mother May I with the comprehensive FRIES framework, individuals exploring BDSM can develop a strong foundation for practicing consent, ensuring that safety and well-being remain at the forefront of their experiences. In the end, the commitment to consent may not always feel overtly sexy, but its significance in fostering trust and maintaining a healthy BDSM dynamic cannot be overstated.

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