I met Edith 35 years ago in her home in Lodi California. She and my future father in law lived in an upstairs apartment in a building where she worked, a few blocks from downtown. Her first indirect words to me, was "does IT have an off switch? A victim of my non stop chatter.
Our initial meeting was earth-shattering. For the first time in her life, a black man was in her home and he wasn't picking up or delivering anything, he was marrying her daughter, her youngest child. For years ,I was tolerated, "her daughters husband. She was never rude or unkind, but I suspected if I fell off the planet, I wouldn't be missed.
For years, I felt her eyes in a distance, looking at me when she thought I wasn't looking. Early on, she made it clear that she didn't want us to have children . She believed life would be hard on an interracial child. A feeling shared by my mother.
Edith, wasn't overjoyed when she learned her daughter was with child. She was disappointed, and told her daughter"good luck".
My wife wanted a Lamaze natural child birth with a mid-wife. Edith stayed with us in San Francisco the week she was due. My wife went into labor while I was at work and we all met at UC Hospital in San Francisco. Our son was in distress, the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck . They pumped my wife with what seemed like gallons of apple juice, most of it returned.
Edith was unhappy with the hospitals choice of mid-wife, she believed that I was doing the most of the work and she didn't like that one bit. When the mid-wife entered the room ,she felt the burn from those blue eyes Edith was not happy. At one point the mid wife left the room and never returned. She was replaced by a woman named Barbara. Edith loved Barbara, Barbara included Edith in the process.
Something happened during those ten hours of labor. Perhaps seeing me with her daughter or the setting, but there was clearly a shift. The three of us were in the delivery room, Chris came out with cords around his neck, the attended carefully removed the cords and handed him to me, I in turned, handed him to Edith, who shook her head.
Edith and I talked non stop on the drive from San Francisco to Galt. We talked about how angry she was with the first mid-wife. We laughed about her daughters breath ( a deadly mix of apple juice and vomit ) blown directly into my face.
In Galt, I got the full 40 second tour of her trailer. 40 seconds was generous, as it was one of those trailers you pull behind your Ford. But she was proud of it, it was her home and it was paid for. She did not want any and advice from men, as no one was going to tell her what to do!
Despite my fatigue, we talked for hours. She kicked open the doors of her life that had been closed for years. She had dreams, but women in her time couldn't dream unless it was about family.
Edith was born in rural Oklahoma, the youngest of six children. She said she knew she was special at an early age, she was smart ,and did well in school . While her older brothers and sisters worked in the fields , she was allowed to stay inside an sew. ( Her sister Bertha told me she resented and said Edith was spoiled. That resentment lasted a lifetime) Edith liked sewing, she had a creative side.
A few years after we were married ,my father in law died. Loved him she did ,but his death freed her. For the first time she could be her own person, she didn't have children to be accountable for, or an husband to answer to.
I've always believed, Edith was born too soon, in the wrong decade. She was born at a time when a woman's career was just a waiting room until she got married. In my mind, she is a combination of Mary Tyler Moore and Marlo Thomas. Women who didn't see marriage as a necessity and had careers. Who, knows she may have been a designer or taken a creative career path. I think Edith may have had children, but I'm not so sure she would have gotten married. She would have had lovers, Edith loved men. But men have cost her dearly emotionally and financially .
As I got know her. I learned my skin color played small part in her disapproval. I believe what she wanted for her daughter was a free unrestricted life. A women with a career, free of what she knew of marriage. She wanted her daughter to live the life she couldn't have.
Edith soon outgrew that small trailer and bought a single wide and made it her own with a small garden. She bought a new car and a van. She would drive the van to the foothills and camp alone with her books. In her late sixties, she drove cross country to Oklahoma. (her male friend followed in his truck-but did not tell her what to do!). She worked well into her eighties, keeping busy.
Our relationship grew. She seemed comfortable talking sharing private stories and regrets with me. Out of love she would tell me to lose weight and then later apologize. I never minded because I knew she loved and cared for me. One of my best memories was at her grandsons wedding. A young girl assumed I was the help (I was the only black guest) and Edith went after her and told her No! It took her a while to calm down, for me it was a Wow moment.
After two decades my marriage to her daughter ended. But my relationship with Edith and her son remained as strong as ever. She was still mom. Her trailer and the her love seat was a place of comfort. We talked for hours, I would show her no mercy and teasing and taunting her .
Many years ago I remember Ed Bradley interviewing Lena Horne on 60 minutes. He praised her looks and longevity. She took his hand and said getting older isn't so good. You lose people along the way, many people.
Edith has outlived many of her friends and lost contact with others. Most of her days were filled with silence.
In her nineties, she lost her independence. She moved out of her home and others cared for her. I saw her once in her new surroundings, it seemed odd, we couldn't speak freely, there were many interruptions, for me it wasn't the same.
Edith, quietly moved on yesterday in Elk Grove, she was 96. Her spirit lives on through her daughter, 2 sons, grandchildren, great grandchildren and great great grandchildren.
There WILL be men at her next stop, who knows, maybe a black man.
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